Related:

• RETURN An experience of sheer terror. Here's some advice for when you want to return goods to their place of purchase.
  - Find the receipt. Okay, so you only bought your product X yesterday, the shop you bought it from probably only sells an X once in a blue moon and the shopkeeper in question has known you personally for a period of decades....
• DEATH Death is the ending of life. But do we really know what death involves?
  No, of course not, that's a stupid question. Only a completely brainless nerk with an intellect the size of an atom would ask a question like that....
• BED A horizontally positioned, generally soft, piece of furniture where people go to sleep.
  Apart from this, a bed can be used for... reading in....
• WAR I think Frankie Goes To Hollywood had it right.
  Put the leaders - the actual people who've insulted each others' grandmothers or whatever - in the ring, and let them beat the shit out of each other....
• NOBODY, MR Semi-mythical person whom I was always told would come to clean my room.
  But he never did. -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA...
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• MARK, MARKY I don't know what it is about these people who not only have first and surnames starting with the same letters, but also have the nerve to get famous with those names.
  I guess their parents were all alliteration enthusiasts....
• When I did my self-portrait, I left all the pimples out because you always should.
  Pimples are a temporary condition and they don't have anything to do with what you really look like....
• REPEATS *Sigh*. Last week I finished watching the Countdown repeats.
  What a nostalgia trip. Back to the late-70s. Bit of a nightmare, actually....