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• If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage.
  They're just not ready. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat.
  And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?...
• If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!
  ? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to another father....
• I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• You're In The Army Now A location in a foreign land, / Uncle Sam does the best he can.
  / You're in the army now. / Oh oh, you're in the army, now....
• Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
  Then, on the way out, slam the door. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his.
  Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles!...
• Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy
  because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else....
• There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey
  because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that....