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• My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.
  Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back....
• My other cat is a Jaguar.
• My other cat is a Leopard.
• The other day my wife brought home a toy for our baby boy.
  It was a small wooden mailbox with three openings in i...
• I neutered my cat. Now he's a consultant.
• If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
  -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Gra...
• I told my doctor I wanted to stop aging. He gave me a gun!
• If this is anyone other than Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit!
  -- Krusty the ex-Klown, "Krusty Gets Kancelled...
• I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him.
  .. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane....