Related:

• If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude.
  That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while?
  Come on, we're not going to hurt it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula.
  The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!...
• If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!
  eal loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away.
  Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day....
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...