Related:

• I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection.
  I guess that's what I hated about him. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.
  Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight....
• If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.
  NOW who's asking the questions? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...