Related:

• Hey! I just got front row tickets to a Disaster Area concert!
• That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
  "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley....
• Last year I entered the LA marathon. I finished last.
  It was embarrassing. And the guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me....
• I was in bed one night when my boyfriend Ernie said, "How come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?
  I said to him, "Ernie, you're never around." -- Bette Midle...
• I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
  "Oh, how can you tell?" "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo....
• Last night I met upon the stair A little man who wasn't there.
  He wasn't there again today. Gee how I wish he'd go away!...
• I've got to hand it to the Venetians, though. I can't tell you how impressed I was with that city.
  Nowhere else in the world can you find a flood area bringing in so much tourist gold....
• You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. -- The Heineken Uncertainty Principle
• The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.