Related:

• Q: What do you get when you mix vodka and Milk of Magnesia? A: A Phillips Screwdriver!
• Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor.
  Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing....
• I need all the help I can get!
• Laws of the Toddler & others 1. If I like it, it's mine.
  2. If it's in my hand, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine....
• You know what I hate about answering machine messages?
  They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message....
• Hello, I'm not here." A friend of mine used this one last summer.
  I always answered it with "Okay, that's all I wanted to know....
• Have screwdriver will fix.
• MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!