1. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason
can't *possibly* be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously
a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire
net a favor by exposing it. Be sure to mention the CIA, FBI
Oliver North and the Army as co-conspiritors.
2. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #1. Threatening a
lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that
I've posted to the wrong group, Charlie has libeled me, slandered
me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Charlie."
3. Force them to document their claims: Even if Jane Jones
states outright that she has menstrual cramps, you should demand
documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Jane's
cramps, then Jane's obviously lying.
4. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
of USENET. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three
times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseam",
"vini, vidi, vici", "E Pluribus Unum" and "fetuccini alfredo".
5. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them?
State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America.
Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school.
"I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell
the word 'premeiotic' ".
6. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by
using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case
of penis envy."
7. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed
by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your
cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a Communist, a
fascist, or both.
8. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent,
have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should
have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST!
Call'em an AI project, to really piss them off.
9. Laugh at whatever they write. A good "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
should intimidate just about anyone.
10. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other rules, remember
this one. At some point during your wonderful career on USENET
you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is
better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your
arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point,
there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah?
Well, you do strange things with vegetables."
11. And, if all else fails, remember that you can always fall back on the
favorite defense of Soc.women: "Who cares what YOU think -- this
is Soc.WOMEN!". Add "DAMMIT!" for effect.
12. Be sure to have a cute signature that proclaims that you are a man
basher. No one will respect you unless it's clear that you hate
13. Call'em a "Pman" if you can't think of anything. Tell the
linguists to stuff it -- YOU know a diminutive when you see it.
14. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly."
"Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."
15. Cross-post your article: Everyone on the net is just waiting for
the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From
rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their breaths
until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
16. Use the smiley to your advantage. You can call anyone just about
anything as long as you include the smiley. On really nasty attacks
add "No flames, please". When they bitch, call them an ass for not
being able to recognize sarcasm when they see it.
17. Threaten to destroy Soc.men if your opponent refuses to give up.
This at least gives you an appearance of power, even if nobody on
the net gives a damn about what goes on in soc.men.
18. Should you post something exceedingly stupid and later regret it, don't
worry. You needn't cancel the article. That only shows what a wimp
you really are. Deny that you ever sent it. "It must be a
forgery!" (Yea, that's the ticket, it's a forgery!) "Someone broke
into my account and sent it!" "It's that damn backbone cabal out to
get me!" Take your pick, they've all been used before.
19. A really cheap shot is to call you opponent a "facist". By itself, it
really does nothing. But, when used often, and in enough articles,
it can make you a net-legend.
20. And finally, never edit your newsgroup line when following up (unless
you're expanding it). This drives 'em wild. Be sure to follow up as
many articles as possible, even if you have nothing to say. The
important thing is to get "exposure" so that you can be called a
"regular" in your pet newsgroup. Never change the ">" symbol when
following up; that's for wimps. Dump a hundred lines of "INEWS FODDER"
in every article.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...