MS Windows and the Borg
Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding
a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
command pathways?
Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology. Geordi presses a
key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled: What the hell is `Microsoft'?
Data turns to answer: Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for
some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside
their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
unstoppable rate.
Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?
Data: Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.
Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric
shape' idea. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data: Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's
command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available
resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected
`upgrade'.
Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for
their increase.
Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed.
Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending
in their registration cards.
Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F
Geordi, excited: Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to
0%!
Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?
Data, studying display: Apparently the Borg have found the internal
`Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU
capacity.
Picard: Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their
functionality. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker: Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?
Geordi: As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increased resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to
transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft
Fun-pack'.
Picard: How much time will that buy us?
Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours.
Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.
Picard: Identify.
Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo...
Over the speakers: THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10
SECONDS TO COMPLY.
Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.
Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!
Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the
Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of
deep space?!
Data: I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
suits.
Riker and Picard horrified: Lawyers!!
Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into
the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.
Data: True, but apparently some must have survived.
Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types
of papers.
Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as `red tape'. It often
proves fatal.
Rike: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!
Picard: Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg
don't deserve such a gruesome death!
