Clinton At The Bank If President Clinton Has Had To Do It Like The Rest Of Us.

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Clinton at the Bank

If President Clinton has had to do it like the rest of us... this is how it SHOULD have gone:

Hi, Mrs. and Mrs. Clinton.

So, you want to buy the old Rye Brook place? That is 2.2 million and with the customary 20 percent down ($440,000) leaves a mortgage of $1,760,000.

Now, let's have a look at your financial statements...

Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the President of the United States, of course, and your salary is $200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000... perhaps a nice brick home?

I see here that you will be out of a job in 6 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library?

In Little Rock, Arkansas? Yes, dawgies.. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker?

Mrs. Clinton, you are running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a year , so even with your pension you are still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Have you considered a nice center hall colonial?

Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991? But you did some volunteer work? You tried to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. But no one was interested? Yes, Ma'am, I have no doubt they all lacked your superior vision.

But you do have other experience? That is good. Oh yes, I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. Let us see... what about this Whitewater Development Corporation?

Oh, I see. It went bankrupt. Well then, how about Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. You actually did go to Yale though. Uh-huh.

A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. That is unfortunate. I note that three of your business partners went to jail. This is embarrassing.

I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay.

Now, any problems in your marriage? No? Oh, good.

Let's look at your assets: You owe $4.5 million. Mr. Clinton, how do you plan to pay that off? Oh! You are hoping people will donate to a special fun. So basically you're relying on the kindness of strangers to bail you out? How nice.

You also have some serious expenses at present. A kind at Stanford has got to be setting your back $30,000 to $35,000 a year - probably more with airfares. And she wants to go to medical school? Rack up some major bucks.

Any legal problems? Oh, dear. I see a $90,000 fine for perjury, along with possible disbarment. I guess that pretty much rules out any income in the future working as an attorney, doesn't it?

Sir, are there any other legal matte we should know about Mrs. Clinton? You do no think she is going to get hit with a perjury of obstruction of justice rap. But you are not totally sure? Interesting. That mean there's a remote possibility - note that I say "remote" - that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the fed and while Mr. Clinton is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock. Hmmmmm.. (This is probably why he want to raise the minimum wage.)

By the way, I have to ask, How do we know you are not lying on your loan application? (Of course, if you WERE lying, I guess it would look a lot better. We will keep that in mind.)

Okay, let us review the situation:

One of you in now unemployed and the other one soon will be. Your business partners are in jail. You have debts equivalent to over 22 times your annual income (that you are hoping someone is going to come along and pay) and looming criminal indictments. And your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford...

Thanks. We will be in touch.