"All about Baseball" is reportedly just a slightly modified version
of an original piece about Cricket, from the Marybourne Cricket Club
The White House is allegedly sending Dan Quayle to People's Republic
of China to find out who is really in charge. Asked whether in the
current reign of terror it might be unsafe for our beloved VP to go,
John Sununu, the White House Chief of Staff, answered : 'Oh no no,
in China they only persecute intellectuals'.
God Damn Fish
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper.
A man was walking by and said: "Wow, what a god damn fish"!
The Sister said: "Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that. I'm a nun."
And the man said: "But that's the name of it, a god damn fish."
So the Sister took the fish back to the rectory, and said:
"Mother Superior, look at the god damn fish I caught."
The Mother Superior said: "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that,"
..and the Sister said: "But Mother Superior, that's the name of it,
a god damn fish."
So the Mother Superior said: "Well, give me the god damn fish and
I'll clean it".
While she was cleaning the fish the Monsignor walked in and she said:
"Monsignor, look at the god damn fish that the sister caught".
The Monsignor said: "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that",
and the Mother Superior said: "but that's the name of it, a god damn fish".
So the Monsignor said: "Well, give me the god damn fish and I'll cook it".
That evening, at supper, there was a new priest at the table,
and he said: "Wow, what a nice fish,"
...and the Sister said "I caught the god damn fish,"
...and Mother Superior said "I cleaned the god damn fish,"
...and the Monsignor said, "I cooked the god damn fish."
And the new priest said "I like this fucking place already"!
An Australian farmer is sitting on a stone near his farm, all in blood
and crying. His neighbor is passing by.
"What's wrong?" the neighbor asks.
"I bought a new boomerang," the crying guy answered.
"So, why are you crying?" the neighbor asks again.
"I cannot throw away the old one..."
New York Times, August 8, 1989, Letter to the Editor, by Ruth L. Kaplan:
The other day I bought a roll of 25 cent postage stamps. I have not
had a moment's peace since. For, upon unfurling this roll, I
discovered that every one of the 100 stamps bears the unmistakable
likeness of the American flag.
To appreciate my consternation, consider what is in store for these
stamps. First, I must lick the flag-- er, stamp. Then I will drop it
into a dark box, where it may well be bruised, possibly even torn.
Next, the stamp/flag will go to the Post Office, where an inexorable
machine will stomp on it, defiling it with ugly lines in order to
"Cancel" our inviolable flag?
But wait. The horrors mount. In time, the stamp will reach the
addressee, who may rip it, eagerly opening the envelope.
Ultimately, the flag stamp-- licked, cancelled, defaced, ripped-- will
be consigned to the trash, doomed to decompose in a dump, linger in a
landfill or-- shudder!-- be converted to charcoal and burned under a
What's a patriot to do?
I wonder if the Post Office will allow me to return a rerolled roll of
stamps. But even it it does, it'll just resell it, perhaps to some
insensitive stamper who will lick, deface, cancel and rip those flags
without a twinge of conscience.
I pray (but not in school) for some official, even Presidential, guidance.
Ruth L. Kaplan is a retired Federal (but not postal) employee.
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and
he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to
him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick,
it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven
years ago, I would have a seat today."
A friend of mine worked as a State Highway patrolman in Wyoming for several
years. Whenever he pulled someone over for speeding, he would always ask
them why they were exceeding the speed limit. If the excuse was original,
he would usually let them off with a warning. He said the best excuse he
ever got was the following:
Him: "So, why is it that you were doing 70 mph in a 55 zone?"
Driver: "Well, officer, my wife is going to get pregnant in 30 minutes
and I want to be there when it happens."
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...