Those Crazy Soviets... Date: Mon, 29 May 89 12:51

HomeShort JokesJokes from Emails

Those crazy soviets...

Date: Mon, 29 May 89 12:51:20 EST

I had misplaced the paper this was in and thought I'd lost it.
I just now found it and thought the following article would be of
interest. I's from the 14 March 1989 issue of "Weekly World News" --
one of those supermarket tabloids.

Computer Charged with Murder After Frying Chess Champ
by Ragan Dunn

A Soviet super-computer has been ordered to stand trial for the murder
of chess champion Nikolai Gudkov -- who was electorcuted when he
touched the metal board that he and the machine were playing on!

"This was no accident -- it was cold-blooded murder," Soviet police
investigator Alexei Shainev told reporters in Moscow.

"Niko Gudkov won three straight games and the computer couldn't stand
it. When the chess master reached for his knight to begin play in the
fourth game, the computer sent a lethal surge of electricity to the
board surface. The computer had been programmed to move its chess
pieces by producing a low-level electric current.

"Gudkov was electrocuted while a gallery of hundreds watched."

The decision to put the computer on trial stunned legal experts around
the world. [I hope computer experts are also shocked, so to speak.
--spaf] But the Soviets are convinced that the computer had the pride
and intelligence to develop a hatred for Gudkov -- and the motive and
means to kill him.

The mind-boggling murder drama unfolded during a six-day chess
marathon between the M2-11 supercomputer and Gudkov, a world class
chess player.

According to reports, Gudkov defied all odds [Calculated by the same
supercomputer, no doubt. --spaf] and beat the machine in three consecutive
games. And when they prepared to begin their forth, a deadly dose of
electricity flowed up into the electronic board and zapped Gudkov dead.

Soviet authorities initially thought that the surge of electricity was
caused by a short-circuit. But an examination of the computer
revealed no problems.

It was later determined that the machine diverted the flow of
electricity from its brain to the chess board to ensure a victory over
Gudkov. [This implies that Soviet semiconductors work at voltages of a
few hundred volts, or maybe their supercomputers are tube-based?

"The computer was programmed to win at chess and when it couldn't do
that legitimately, it killed its opponent," said investigator Shalnev.

"It might sound ridiculous to bring a machine to trial for murder.
[!!] But a machine that can solve problems and think [sic] faster
than any human must be held accountable for its actions."

Rudi Hagemann, the Swiss legal scholar, agreed with the Soviet cop.

He said that the development of artificial intelligence has come so
far in recent years that certain computers and some robots "must be
considered human."

It isn't clear how the Soviets will punish the computer if it is found
guilty when it goes to court this spring. [Send it to a Gulag for
reprogramming? --spaf]

But Hagermann says the machine will probably be reprogrammed or dismantled


I don't think there's much to say here, except in the way of warning: next
time you accuse the system of cheating at rogue, don't say it too loudly!

My dad found this on a bulletin board at work many years ago. My
sister recently found a copy hiding in some old school stuff she was
throwing out. A good challenge is to try to read the entire piece
aloud without laughing. Neither I nor my sister can do it.

The Eighteen Bottles

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew
the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the
exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from
the thrid bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I
pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the
cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down
the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork
down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks
with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle,
which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle
peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so
feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
longer I get.
-- Author unknown