A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are flying in a plane.
The pilot explains to her passengers that the plane is too heavy and in
order to avoid an ugly crash, some weight needs to be removed from the
plane. After removing all the unnecessary items (baggage,etc.), the pilot
reports that the plane is still too heavy and yet more weight needs to be
removed. She then asks if any of the passengers would be brave enough to
give up their own lives to save the others. The Frenchman stands, raises
his glass,says "Viva la France!" and jumps out of the plane. This not being
enough, the Englishman stands up, raises his glass, says"Long live the
Queen!" and jumps out of the plane. Still this is not enough weight
removed so the Texan stands up, raises his glass, says "Remember the Alamo?"
and throws the Mexican out of the plane.
In the early days of baseball, there was a famous pitcher named Mel,
Mel Faimy, who played for the Milwaukee Brewers. He was the best
pitcher in the league and led his team to the world series with a .01
ERA, 4 no hitters and 2 perfect games. Well as expected the Brewers
went to the World Series. They were playing against the Brooklyn
The first game Mel pitched a no hitter and the Brewers won 2-0. The
second game the Dodgers pulled out a squeaker, winning in the bottom
of the 9th on a solo home run. Again in the 3rd game the Dodgers won.
Mel pitched the 4th game so of course the Brewers won. They won the
next game, the Dodgers won the 6th.
So the Series was all tied up at three games apiece. The ace pitcher
for the Dodgers was pitching against Mel. It was tight game, the
Brewers were leading by one point. Mel was so confident of himself
he started to celebrate early. During the 7th inning stretch he
popped open a beer and started drinking. Between the next innings he
had a few more beers. As you might have guessed this had a negative
impact on his pitching.
The next batter dribbled a single down the third base line. Mel
walked the next batter and the next. With bases loaded, (Mel was
too), Mel proceeded to walk in a run! The coach came out and talked
to Mel asking if he was alright. Some how Mel convinced the coach he
was fine. The next batter came up to bat. Mel took a deep breath
and fired his patented fast ball. The batter swung and popped a
ball foul. The next pitch was a ball. Mel wound up and threw a big
arching curve, just barely missing the plate. With the count 2-1,
Mel stepped off the mound for a brief rest. He was alittle blurry
eyed by now and needed to catch his breath. He walked back to the
rubber and got ready to throw the next pitch. A scorching slider
just missed low. With the score tied, bases loaded, and the count
3-1, every one in the stands held their collective breath for the
next pitch. Mel came in with his never fail change up. The batter
swung on the pitch, but he was way out in front of it. The count was
full, the bases loaded, bottom of the 9th, and the score tied. The
scene was set for the making or breaking of heros. Our hero, Mel was
getting ready to throw the final pitch when all of a sudden the beers
he drank finally hit him. The last pitch was his fast ball. It left
his hand speeding toward the batter. Then about 10 feet in front of
the plate it took a nose dive and bounced in the dirt. Mel had
walked in the winning run!
After much jubilation on the Dodgers part, the team finally left the
field. As they pasted the Brewers bench on of the players turned and
pointed to his team mate and said, "Hey what's with all the beer cans
in the Brewers dug-out?"
"That my friend, is the beer that made Mel Faimy walk us!"
The devil calls up St.Peter and says, "Let's have a baseball game - my people
against your people."
St. Peter thinks this over, checks his populace, and says, "Sure, but you're
gonna lose - I've got all the hall of famers up here."
"Maybe so", replies the devil, "but I've got all the umpires!"
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have
two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you,
or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll
[ insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy here ]."
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,
sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
him and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
Q: What's pink, 18 inches long, and makes a grown woman scream?
A: Crib death.
Q: How can you tell when a feminist has an orgasm?
A: Who cares?
Q: Have you heard about Evel Kenevel's newest and most dangerous stunt?
A: Riding across Ethiopia with a chicken strapped to his motorcycle.
Q: Did you hear about Miss Biafra's measurements?
Q: Did you hear about the new Soviet BBQ joint where you don't have to pay?
A: It's called Char-No-Bill
Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
Q: What does an Irish-Catholic wife say during sex?
A: "Honey, I think you should paint the ceiling beige."
Q: What's the difference between an Italian Grandmother and an elephant?
A: Fifty pounds and a black dress.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican and a Mormon?
A: Someone with a thirty-day supply of stolen food in their basement.
Q: What do you get when you cross a white woman with a black man?
A: An abortion.
Q: What do you call a Vietnamese family with one dog?
Q: What do you call a Vietnamese family with two dogs?
Q What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York ?
A The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men !
One of the nice things about working with Apple equipment is their delightful
sense of humor. A while ago, some of the delightful error messages from the
MPW C compiler went out on the net. They also have a series of developers' CDs
with software and interesting junk on them with great names like, "Lord of the
Files," "The Code Warrior," "Desperately Seeking Seven," "Gorilla's in the
Disk," "Bill and Ted's Excellent CD," and so on. I have meant for some time to
type in the personal ads that adorn "Desperately Seeking Seven," which are
amusing. Yesterday, while rummaging through some test code, I found a
delightful disclaimer. -- jdcc
This software has not been painstakingly tested by Apple's ruthlessly
efficient quality engineers (although it was co-written by one of them.)
Neither Apple Computer, Incorporated, nor the authors of this software
make any legally binding claim that this software will do anything in
particular besides use up valuable space on a CD or hard disk. In the
event that your use of or inability to use this software results in a
visitation from MacsBug, damage to other software or hardware, the
explosion of your Macintosh in a shower of sparks (as seen on Star Trek)
or indeed the end of Western Civilzation As We Know It, your attempts to
attach blame onto Apple Computer, Incorporated or the authors of this
software will be expensive and unsuccessful. Have a nice day.
God and the Devil are having a discussion.
God: To many spirits are sneaking into heaven from hell. I want you to stop it.
Devil: What are you going to do if I don't.
God: I'll sue you.
Devil: Yeah Right, Like you have any lawyers in heaven.
Subject: A Fundamental Offering
A cool new product was announced today. It is Digital's Data
Suppository. It is by far the very best tool we have for anal-
ysis. It relieves painful data by letting you apply the cor-
rect tools to the job. You can scope out any problem and wipe out those
annoying delays we all encounter in trying to get the straight poop on
our businesses. You can make intelligent decisions on partners and
vendors who are friends and those who are enemas. You no longer have to
be the butt of business jokes.
It is important to decide to commit to this new strategy. In some
environments such a decision takes substantial intestinal fortitude. So
we recommend that a prospect take the time to read the technical
information and digest it. But don't just sit on it.
If you have any questions, call 1-800-773-7724 (1-800-PREPARH). And
remember, we are the leaders in this technology. We will no longer
accept being number 2.
A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a
presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting
free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular
and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado
and yelled, "Carter is a horse's ass!" To his surprise, he was
promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and
went into another bar, shouting, "Reagan is a horse's ass!" Seconds
later, he was eating dust again.
Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, "Hey, fella! If this ain't
Carter country and it ain't Reagan country, whose country is it?"
The cowboy replied, "Son, this is *horse* country!"
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PIZZA AND A JEW?
PIZZA'S DON'T SCREAM WHEN YOU PUT THEM IN AN OVEN.
There was once a man named Ray
who made a cunt out of clay.
he Fucked it quick till it turned to brick
and pulled all his forskin away...
** every one is entitled to an opinion .... even though it is wrong...**
Q: Is Magic Johnson sure that he won't play for the Lakers anymore?
A: Yes, he's positive.
Yesterday upon the stair,
I saw a little man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
How I wish he'd go away.
I remember when we used to laugh at grampa
when he would go out fishing every morning.
Of couse we didn't laugh when he brought
a whore back from town.
-Deep Thought SNL
PRANKSTERS TAKE LAWN ORNAMENT ON VACATION
PATTERSON (AP) - Florence and Pat McMorrow didn't get to travel throughout
America this summer but their elf, Rufus, did.
Rufus is a 3-foot-high lawn ornament owned by the McMorrows, of Patterson, a
community north of New York City.
Someone swiped Rufus July 9 from his usual perch on a tree stump in the
couple's front lawn. He reappeared last week with an envelope tucked under his
arm. "I'm home. Vacation pictures", a note on the envelope read.
There was Rufus on the beach in California, wearing shades. There he was in
Wyoming, wearing an Indian headdress. There he was at Wrigley Field in
Chicago, watching the Chicago Cubs. In all, there were photos of Rufus in 17
Police and the McMorrow family still don't know who took the statute [sic].
"It was definitely young people," Mrs. McMorrow said. "They have some sense of
Christan Mcculuf: Ahistory teacher whos now history!
What Brand of Shampoo did Christina Use?
Head and Shoulders: Found em on the beach.
Where did the AStornauts take there vaction?
All over florida!
What was the last thing heard on the Black Box?
1. No not that button
2. I said a BUD Light!
How come NASA's official drink is now COKE?
'cause they couldn't get 7-up!
What was the last thing Christa said to her husband?
-You feed the dog and I'll feed the fish.
What's the official song of the Challenger?
-"I said a Boom-chica-Boom"
How do we know that the Shuttle program director is impotent?
-He couldn't get it up.
Why was there only one black on the challenger?
They didn't know it was going to explode!
Did you hear about the Texan who was so big that when he died they couldn't
find a casket big enough to bury him in?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.