A Redneck Valentine
Hello Darling - Shucks
Kudzu is green.
My Dog's name is Blue.
And I'm so danged lucky
To have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk,
A-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
Yo're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yore fragrant as Mountain Dew
Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth
For which I am proud.
I hold my head high
When we's in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well I'm in hawg heaven.
I'm plumb out of my wits.
And speakin' of wits,
You got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you are my woman.
I can't ask fer more.
Like a good roll of Duct Tape
Yo're there for yore man
To patch up life's toubles
And stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud.
Yet fragile as that singer
Named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a June bug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
On which I oft tread.
Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like my Rattletrap Shad.
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gun rack,
My life is complete.
There ain't nothin' I lack.
Yore complexion's perfection
Like the best vinyl sidin',
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
I won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a cold RC drank.
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day.
They git it at Wal-Mart.
It's romantic that way.
Some men, they git roses
On that special day
From a cooler at Food World.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"A diamond's forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.
But for this feller, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You old sweet thang, you.
I got you a gift
Without taste nor odor.
Better than diamonds,
It's a new trollin' motor.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
