A Fishy Story
It was April 4th 44, being a quadruple leap year, I was driving downtown
Atlantis, my Baracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray and it
was overheating. I pulled into a Shell Station, they said I'd blown a seal.
I said "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal".
While they were doing that I walked over to a place called The Oyster Bar, a
real dive. But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said
"Hi, Gill!" (you have to yell, he's hard of herring) Gill was also down on
his luck, fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up
to the Sand Bar, he poured the usual: Rusty Grunion, shaken not stirred,
with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako.
I slipped a fin, on porpoise.
I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's
Squids. For the halibut. Well, the place was crowded - we were packed in
like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy
Dorsal. What sole. Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna,
"Sand Enchanted Evening". The stage was surrounded by screaming guppies,
probably there to see the bass player.
One of them was this cute little yellowtail. She was giving me the eye, so I
thought this was chance to have a little fun. Or a piece of Pisces. But she
said things I just couldn't fathom. She was too deep. Seemed to be under a
lot of pressure. Boy, could she drink! She drank ........ she drank a lot. I
said "What's your sign?", she said "Aquarium". I said "Great! Let's get
tanked!" I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said
"C'mon, it'll only take a few minnows". She threw me that same old line,
"Not tonight - I got a haddock".
She wasn't kidding either, because just then in came in the biggest, meanest
haddock I ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came
over to me and said "Listen Shrimp! Don't you come trolling around here!"
What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I
turned to him and said "Abalone! - you're just being shellfish". Well, I
knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gill, because he was already
on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch
him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying
on the deck, as flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I said "Forget the cods, Gill,
this guy's gonna need a sturgeon".
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She
came over to me, she said "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish - what's
your name?" I said "Marlin". Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I
took her to dinner, I took her to dance, I bought her a bouquet of
flounders. Then I went home with her. And what did I get for my troubles? A
case of the clams. I think I had a wet dream - cruisin' thru the