Related:

• EXCUSES ACTUALLY RECEIVED BY SCHOOLS VIA NOTES FROM HOME (This was posted at work.
  I do not know the author/editor. Sorry) * Dear school...
• Top 50 OXYMORONS 50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48.
  Resident alien 47. Advanced BASIC 46. Genuine imitation 45....
• THE LAST THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY 1. Could our relationship be more physical?
  I'm tired of just being friends. 2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way....
• The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation 1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
  2. Me? I've never busted minimums. 3. We will be on time, maybe even early....
• Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
• 38 Politically Correct ways to say someone is stupid 1.
  A few clowns short of a circus. 2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal....
• YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER 26) If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid 27) If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project 28) If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor 29) If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts 30) If you have never backed-up your hard drive 31) If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing game
  but are afraid to say it out loud 32) If you truly believe aliens are living among us 33) If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance 34) If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is" 35) If you see a good design and still have to change it 36) If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions 37) If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it 38) If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind 39) If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are 40) If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires 41) If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal 42) If you have more toys than your kids 43) If you need a checklist to turn on the TV 44) If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name 45) If your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre 46) If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work 47) If your I....
• THE WORLD'S COOLEST GUY MUST... 1. Laugh a lot 2.
  Read the newspaper 3. Care about something 4. Like the way I look in sweatpants 5....