THE PERSONAL COMPUTER AWARENESS DICTIONARY ****************************************** Do you feel confused by the jargon of the personal computer revolution?

THE PERSONAL COMPUTER AWARENESS DICTIONARY
******************************************

Do you feel confused by the jargon of the personal computer revolution?
Afraid to enter the world of the computer salesmen to browse because you
don't understand their language? Well, here's a quick lesson on just what
some of those slick phrases you've heard REALLY mean!

IBM-COMPATIBLE: not IBM-compatible

FULLY IBM-COMPATIBLE: somewhat IBM-compatible, but won't run BASIC
programs

100% IBM-COMPATIBLE: compatible with most available hardware and
software, but not with the blockbusters IBM always introduces the
day after tomorrow

LAP-TOP: smaller and lighter than the average secretary

PORTABLE: smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator

TRANSPORTABLE: neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm
system

HARD DISK: a device that allows naive users to delete vast amounts
of data with simple commands

MOUSE: a peripheral originally named "vermiform appendix" because
of its functional resemblance, renamed for its usefulness as a cat
toy

PRINTER: an electromechanical paper-shredding device

MODEM: a peripheral used in the unsucessful attempt to get two
computers to communicate with each other

NETWORK: an electronic means of allowing more than one person at a
time to corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to
useful data

DOCUMENTATION: a perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only
in situations of dire need when friends and dealers are
unavailable, normally employed only as a decorative bookend

USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with a full-color manual

VERY USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with an on-disk and audiotape
tutorial, so the user needn't bother with the full-color manual

EXTREMELY USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with a mouse so that the
computer user needn't bother with the on-disk and audiotape
tutorial, the full-color manual, or the program itself

EASY TO LEARN: hard to use

EASY TO USE: hard to learn

EASY TO LEARN & USE: won't do what you want it to

POWERFUL: hard to learn and use

MENU-DRIVEN: easy to learn

COPY-PROTECTED: (1) a clever method of preventing incompetent
pirates from STEALING software and legitimate customers from
USING it. (2) a means of distinguishing honest users from
thieves by preventing larceny by the former but not the latter.

WARRANTY: an unconditional guarantee that the program purchased
is actually included on the disk in the box

VERSION 1.0: buggier than Maine in June, eats data

VERSION 1.1: eats data only occasionally, upgrades free to avoid
litigation by disgruntled users of version 1.0

VERSION 2.0: the version originally planned as the first release
[execept for a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem
to go away], no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt

VERSION 3.0: the revision in the works when the company goes
bankrupt

NOW AVAILABLE: available any day now

AVAILABLE SOON: should be out within a year

AVAILABLE MAY 1: version 1.0 may ship to dealers August 1

STANDARD: similar to something else on the market

BACKUP: the duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered
to make

SPREADSHEET: a program that gives the user quick and easy access
to a wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly
inaccurate assumptions

WORD PROCESSOR: software that magically transforms its user
into a professional author

BUSINESS GRAPHICS: popular with managers who understand neither
decimals, fractions, Roman numerals, nor PI, but have more than
a passing acquaintance with pies and bars

DATABASE MANAGER: a program that allows the user to manipulate
data in every conceivable way except the absolutely essential
one he or she conceives of the day after entering 20 megabytes
of raw data

INTEGRATED SOFTWARE: a single product that deftly performs
hundreds of functions the user never needs and awkwardly
performs the half-dozen he uses constantly

WINDOWS: a method of dividing a computer screen into two or more
unusably tiny portions