For the truly lonely and scandalously ugly men with no chance of
ever finding the real thing.
NOTICE! This is not Freeware!
Manual and Quick Reference Guide
From the time you load this software, you are required to cash your pay-
check and send the entire amount to the address listed. We will send back
the money we think you will need each week.
Before installing, read all instructions in this manual and make several
back up copies of the original disks. This software has caused hardware
damage in some machines with short-tempered users.
This software, like many others, is claimed to work with Windows. It
might. It might not. If it doesn't, it is your fault. Buy a better com-
puter next time!
RUNNING PC WIFE
Okay you lovebirds, dim the lights and open that bottle of champagne. In-
sert the install disk (disk 1) into one of the floppy drives (A or B).
At the C: prompt, type A: or B: install. You will notice a faint smell
of perfume, a soft moaning sound, and the room may feel warm. You may
feel slight dizziness and a lack of good judgement. Don't worry. This is
At this point an introduction screen will appear on the monitor. Press
enter. You will now be asked a few simple questions like those listed
below. Please consider your answers carefully.
1. Are you married?
2. Do you have any children?
3. Have you been married before?
4. How much money do you make? Alot?
5. Do you want to have children?
6. What time do you get home from work?
No answer is wrong. Remember, this is for losers. The program will ad-
just for any combination of answers. Once you have answered all 2,486
questions, the program will automatically begin. The computer must
remain on at all times. An Uninterruptable Power Supply (UPS) would be a
good addition to your equipment for full enjoyment.
HOW IT WORKS
There are several programs and files that are used in the operation of PC
WIFE. Do not delete any of these files.
README.DOC- Who does? You might want to read this six months from now.
PISS.EXE- Timed program, runs every afternoon.
MOAN.DAT- Data file used with PISS.EXE.
PMS.COM- Program runs once a month, however, can also run at any
time, or not at all. (Do whatever it instructs!)
WENCH.EXE- Program runs when requested. You may have to request this
several times to get it to run. Begging may help.
BITCH.EXE- Program will run sooner or later. Be patient. Negative
feedback aggravates the program.
Note: Runs more frequently if you drink or are late from
work, or if you are late in complying with any
PC WIFE request.
BITCH.DAT- Data file used with BITCH.EXE.
CLEAN.EXE- Merely a reminder program with a handy "clean the house" pop-
up menu. Failure to follow instructions given carefully will
result in more frequent executions of BITCH.EXE. Frequent
running of BITCH.EXE could cause more frequent action of
PMS.COM. This is not a preferred situation.
MIL.EXE- A mother-in-law simulation program creates a noise similar
to a parrot with its foot hung. Running of other programs in
PC WIFE not complying with requests in a timely manner will
determine duration and volume of program execution.
DINNER.EXE- A handy reminder program consisting of phone numbers for
pizza delivery (or fine dining establishments).
There are many hidden files in PC WIFE. If you are lucky, and blessed
with quick reflexes, you will not endure the wrath of these files.
Sign the enclosed Warranty Death Beneficiary Registration Card before in-
stalling this software. Mail card and first paycheck 10 days before in-
stallation of program.
REMOVING PC WIFE
Once PC WIFE has been running five minutes, it will be in complete con-
trol of your house, car, and life. If for any reason you are unhappy
with your PC WIFE, there is only one way to loosen its hold on you. Upon
receipt of all deeds, bank account holdings and titles, legally signed
over to our company, we will gladly terminate 90% of PC WIFE functions.
If at any time a check for 75% of your earnings is more than five days
late in arriving, PC WIFE will be reinstated with all hidden files on ac-
The makers of PC WIFE hold no responsibility for damage, medical costs,
loss of sanity, financial ruin, or any other potentially adverse effects
from running this software.
Thank you very much for your purchase and continued support.
A mere nine months after installation of software, a heady perfume of am-
monia and manure will permeate your home. Yes! For one entire year,
your house will not only smell like a baby lives there, but it will sound
like you are the proud father of triplets! Shrieks, screams and giggles
will emit at random times from your SoundBlaster. Fool neighbors and
friends with 2 am feeding wails and gurgles that last well past dawn!
As if that wasn't enough, slimy drool and vile-smelling, green glop will
spurt from your floppy drives many times during the next 18 years. Yes,
18 YEARS! Amaze your friends! (A keyboard condom will be included in
You want MORE?? We've GOT more! Hard drive fevers in the middle of the
night! Simulated trips to hospital emergency rooms! Report cards!
Calls from the principal! PTA meetings! And when your PC CHILD turns 16
years old, you'd better buy a new car, because your child will be DRIV-
ING! Yes, DRIVING! AND getting in car wrecks on the average of twice a
month! Watch your insurance rates climb!
And the fun goes on and on and on. We can't tell you everything. That
wouldn't be any fun, would it? But we suggest you start bugging your
computer retailer now for PC CHILD. Your PC WIFE will want one every two
or three years, and you don't want to make her angry! Trust us.