-- How many
congressmen
-- does it take to change a light bulb?
Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met:
The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study
the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised.
A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from
minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb.
Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing
the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned
to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb.
Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times
as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue
a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known
to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives.
The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the
Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American
naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of
over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot
afford them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give
a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate
a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every
congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how
he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.
How many
Reaganists
-- does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify
the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the
bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the
bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional
amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to
replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from
the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to
lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene
importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene
importer, one to send the bill to the next generation....
