Related:

• Elsie is so ugly she's been turned down more times than a bedspread .
  .. Two weeks ago she won first prize in a beauty contest....
• Leonard Box was arrested yesterday. Somebody told him his wife was as pretty as a picture, so he hung her on the wall.
  -- Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)...
• Ludlow Bean was arrested the other day for stealing a woman's change purse.
  He told the judge that he hadn't been feeling well, and he thought the change would do him good....
• Bananas are a waste of time. After you skin them and throw the bone away, there's nothing left to eat.
  -- Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)...
• Father was coming up the stairs with five gallons of elderberry wine, and he slipped and fell clear down into the basement.
  Fortunately, he didn't spill a drop--he kept his mouth closed....
• It's so cold ... Father can't milk the cows by hand because he has to wear his wool mittens.
  This tickles the cows. They get hysterical and nothing comes out but cottage cheese....
• Wallace Swine now has an orchestra in his restaurant, but the music is so bad that last night a waiter dropped a tray of dishes and everybody got up and started to dance.
  -- Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)...
• Your father just kissed a bride and got himself a black eye.
  I know everyone does it, but not seven years after the wedding....
• She's such a kinky girl, The kind you don't take home to mother.
  She will never let your spirits down Once you get her off the street....