Related:

• If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while?
  Come on, we're not going to hurt it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why?
  It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it....
• If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!
  Hey, better try the emergency brake! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of "bag.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...