Related:

• Bart: Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed "I'm a hemophiliac" and when he let you go, you kicked him in the back?
  Homer: Heh heh heh. Yeah. Bart: Could you teach me how to do that?...
• My father had the spirit and integrity of a scientist, but he was a salesman.
  I remember asking him the question "How can a man of integrity be a salesman?...
• I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" "As a programmer, yes," she replied, "And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!
  "You said you were blonde, but you lied!" Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, They had so much in common, you'd say....
• Think you, if Laura had been Petrarch's Wife, he would have written Sonnets all his life? -- Byro
• He was so crooked you could use him to pull corks with.
• The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before And slowly she let him inside.
  He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun And now will you tell me why?...
• When I have a kid, I want to buy a twin-stroller and put him in one side, and then reply when he's old enough to ask "You had a brother, but he was bad.
• Picard: "Do you know what business they might have together?
  Sarek: "No! No, I never knew what Spock was doing....
• Did you hear about the Army noncom who had stripes tattooed on his penis so he could pull rank.