A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

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• A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.
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• Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
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• I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker,
  but simply because I detest the sort of people who...
• Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.
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• I've made it a rule never to drink by daylight and never to refuse a drink after dark.
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• Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
  A man full of faith is simply one who has lost (or...
• Government is actually the worst failure of civilized man.
  There has never been a really good one, and even those...