Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. (1) Little things start bothering you:

Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.

(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
ants.
(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
(6) People ignore you at parties.
(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
-- Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence