Related:

• Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves.
  And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the preside
  because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something....
• I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it.
  First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk....