Related:

• RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to wher we are no better off.
  For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition....
• FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and the mice.
  Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr....
• DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male.
  The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion....
• NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music.
  The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization....
• LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
  An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society....