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• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait.
  Not me, you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
• People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
  What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair....
• I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
  Then, on the way out, slam the door. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...