Related:

• My friend complained to the city about the scales they put out on the side walks.
  He doesn't mind that the thing takes a dime and says he only weighs thirty pounds, but he would appreciate it greatly if they would fix those things so he could get his fortune card and be on his way....
• My aunt's lost it. Says she has what's-his-name's disease
• A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket.
  How old's your kid?" the conductor says, and the father says "He's four years old....
• They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their parents will be happy to see them.
  I mean, really, can you imagine someone being happy to see an orphan?...
• It is very good advice to believe only what an artist does, rather than what he says about his work.
  -- David Hockney...
• Bart: He's great at pointing out everyone's foibles.
  Larry: Hey, how're ya doing. Ooh! Look at your hair!...
• My uncle has a country place that no-one knows about, he says it used to be a farm before he mowed the lawn.
  .....
• A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot.
  He points to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs....
• An older couple are in bed one night, and the woman wakes up and says, "Sam, get up and close the window.
  It's cold outside." The fellow just keeps right on snoring....