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• I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees.
  When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee....
• Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Homer: You see, Marge? Do you see? Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
  Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you....
• Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays?
  Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway...
• It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
  And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy....
• I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver.
  And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him....
• He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection.
  I guess that's what I hated about him. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...