Related:

• Soon to have my feet in the sand, and gators at my heels!
• The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.
  "And did he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill." ==...
• Early one spring, a saleswoman's car broke down in the middle of Northern Michigan.
  After miles of walking, she found a farmhouse with two men sitting on the front porch....
• The Shape I am In... There's nothing the matter with me, I'm just as healthy as can be, I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
  My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in....
• My house was trashed by 'Not me'
• Kids will be Kids... Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?
  He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on....
• USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELING IN MOSLEM AREAS "Akbar khali-kili haftir lotfan" = (Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun) "Fekr gabul cardan davat paeh gush divar" = (I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart) "Shomaeh fekr tamomeh oeh gofteh bande" = (I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life) "Auto arraregh davateman mano sepheh-hast" = (It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car) "Khrel jepaheh maneh vajateii amrikahey" = (I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters) "Balli
  balli, balli!" = (Whatever you say!) "Maternier ghermez ahlieh, ghorban" = (The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency) "Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram" = (The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you....
• Sorry to change the subject a little, but this priceless little anecdote occurred while I was working for a hardware store while in college.
  I'm standing behind the counter, wearing my little scratchy polyester uniform shirt, and this big huge guy walks up to me carrying two rolls of shelf paper and says "Is this going to be enough to cover my shelves?...
• My wife doesn't understand me.