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• Ways the FBI Can Apologize to Richard Jewell 16> One burger and fries, coming right up!
  15> Gift-wrapped VHS box set of White House surveillance footage of JFK "gettin' it on....
• Old TV Show Plots Updated for the 90's (Part II) 15> "Lassie" -- Timmy falls down the old well, bringing a CNN news crew and a dozen benefit concerts before Lassie can even say, "Woof".
  14> "Lost in Space" -- Hilarity abounds when the Robot discovers what appears to be a remote control car examining rocks on the red planet....
• Ways to Commemorate the 20th Anniversary of Elvis Presley's Death 15> Have the King exhumed, breaded, deep-fried & reburied.
  14> For crying out loud, he's NOT DEAD! How many 7-11 sightings does it take to CONVINCE you people?...
• WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff v.s. THE ACME COMPANY, INC.
  Defendant In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No....
• How To Install Software: 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
  It should look something like this: SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 628....
• How many Aggies does it take to have sex. 5. 1 to do the job and 4 to bounce the bed.
• WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
  2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on....
• How about that footage on the news yesterday of our new Commander-in- Chief on the deck of the aircraft carrier (Teddy Roosevelt?
  ).. After throwing one of his snappy salutes (he's *almost* got that down), I half expected him to give the order, "Let's turn this thang around....
• How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1) How many can you afford? 2) Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services....