As a result of the reduction in the availability of funds budgeted for departmental areas,

As a result of the reduction in the availability of funds budgeted for
departmental areas, we are, unfortunately, forced to cut down on our
number of personnel.
Under the plan, older employees will be encouraged to accept early
retirement thus permitting the retention of younger personnel, who
represent our future plans.
A programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement, will therefore be put into effect, as soon
as possible. The programme will be known as Retire Aged People Early
(RAPE).
Employees who are RAPE'd will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the company. Provided they are being RAPE'd they can
request a review of their employment records before actual retirement
takes place. This phase of the operation will will be called: Survey of
Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers (SCREW).
All employees who have been RAPE'd or SCREW'd may file an appeal with
upper management. This operation will be called: Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of this new
policy employees may be RAPE'd once, SCREW'd twice, but may be SHAFT'd
as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If the employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to
get Half-Earning for Retired Personnel's Early Severence (HERPES). As
HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received
HERPES will no longer be RAPE'd or SCREW'd by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain, that the
company will continue it's policy to ensure that employees are well
trained through our Special High-Intensity Training programme (SHIT).
The company takes great pride in the amount of SHIT that our employees
receive. We have, and will continue to give, our employees more SHIT
than any other company in this sector. If you feel that you are not
receiving enough SHIT please see your immediate supervisor. Your
supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the
SHIT you can handle. (and then some!!)