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A Horse has an infinite number of legs.

A horse has two legs in back and forelegs in front.

That makes six legs in total.

Six (an even number) legs is an odd number for a horse.

The only number that is both odd and even is infinity.

Therefore, a horse has an infinite number of legs.

It is said that Einstein had occasion

To prove an amazing equation:

"Let V be virginity

"Approaching infinity,

"And P be a constant: Persuasion."

"Now if V over U is inverted,

"And the square root of U is inserted

"P times into V,

"The result, QED,

"Is a relative," Einstein asserted.

How do you teach a girl MAthematics?

Add her to the bed, subtract he clothes, divide her legs and start

multiplying.

So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting

together. They spy a *deer in the woods.

The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of

gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses;

the bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts

some yards, but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.

"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an

ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special

deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle,

a sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights

which don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas,

his bullet passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this

time wises up and vanishes for good.

"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either."

"What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two

of you, that was a perfect shot!"

*How they knew it was a deer:

The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so

it must be a deer.

The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing

it to a previously solved problem.

The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.

A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:

Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and

a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out

the fire.

M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out

the fire.

Then they were asked this question:

Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to

a hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.

M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire,

reducing the problem to a previously solved form.

A Mathemetician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist.

The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes

that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M

is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and

looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible

headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture. The

E says "How do you understand this stuff?"

M: "I just visualize the process"

E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize somrthing that occurs in

9-dimensional space?"

M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to

9"

There were once three acedimians, an engineer, a physicist, and a

mathematician visiting a small town for a conference. They found themselves

forced to share a room in one of the most dirty, dingy, and really low

quality hotels that they had ever seen. The room that the had was on the

third floor, and the nearest working bathroom was on the fourth.

Late that night, the engineer awoke, and decided to avail himself of the

lavatory facilities. Going up the stairs, he smelled smoke, and indeed, at

the end of the hall he saw a fire. Finding a hose on the wall, he turned it

on, ran down the hall, and extinguished the fire. He then visited the

bathroom, and returned to bed.

An hour later, the physicist awoke, and felt the call of nature. As he

went upstairs, he smelled smoke, and found that there was a fire. Finding

the hose, he whipped out his calculator, figured out the amount of water

needed to extinguish a fire of that size, calculated the flow rate of the

hose, turned it on for exactly 15.24 minutes, and extinguished the fire. He

then used the bathroom, and returned to bed.

Later still, the mathematician awoke and decided that he needed to use the

bathroom. Going upstairs, he too found the olbligatory smoke and fire.

Looking around in a panic, he found the fire hose. He then said, "Aha! A

solution exists!" And after using the bathroom, he returned to bed.

1)physicist and mathematician are given a task:

to boil some water in a tea pot. They are both

given empty tea pot.

So they both fill it up with water and then

put it on a stove and boil it.

Now the problem becomes more complicated:

The tea pot filled with water is standing

on the stove. The task is the same.

PHYSICIST: turns on a fire and heats the water.

MATHEMATICIAN: Pours out the water and the

problem is reduced to the previous one.

When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:

A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land

A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there

An engineer will stand there and try to catch it

A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through

the Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour. The tour guide anounces:

"On the right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle

Falls." The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the

windows on the right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the

plane violently rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall.

All aboard are lost. The moral to this episode is: always keep your

poles off the right side of the plane.

Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do

problems on the blackboard that day.

``Who would like to do the first problem, addition?''

No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he

finally got it right.

``Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?''

Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but

there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.

``Who would like to do the third problem, division?''

Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing

in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right (she has been

known to hold back sometimes in front of her friends).

``Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?''

Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally

gained her composure in the stunned silence. ``Why the enthusiasm, Tim?''

``God said to go fourth and multiply!''

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The

mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked

woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist

explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will

move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the

woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust.

"What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the

bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on

his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and

the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is

a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The

physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for

all practical purposes!"

Engineer, physicist and mathematican are asked to find the value of 2+2.

Engineer (after 3 minutes, with a slide rule): "The answer is precisely

3.9974."

Physicist (after 6 hours of experiments): "The value is approximately 4.002,

with an error of plus-or-minus 0.005."

Mathematician (after a week of calculation): "Well, I haven't found an answer

yet but I CAN prove that an answer exists."

Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so

much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't

you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and

waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they

need are pencils and paper."

Engineer, physicist and mathematican are all challenged with a problem: to fry

an egg when there is a fire in the house. The engineer just grabs a huge

bucket of water and runs over to the fire, putting it out. The physicist

thinks for a long while, and then measures a precise amount of water into a

container. He takes it over to the fire, pours it on and with the last drop

the fire goes out. The mathematican pores over pencil and paper. After a few

minutes he goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.

Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The engineer

just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates carefully and produces

a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematican lights a fire in the corner, and

says "I have reduced it to the previous problem."

Mummy snake to baby snakes: "Well, you're old enough now to survive in the real

world. So here are the facts of life. Go forth and multiply."

Little snakes: "But we can't, we're adders."

Mummy snake: "You can do it in logs."

Q: To what question is the answer "9W."

A: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?"

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic

knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks

what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says

"Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the

pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English

literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,"

replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new

knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the

storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on

the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little

hard to swallow."

Q:What did the acorne say when it grew up?

A:Geomatry

Q. What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?

A. He works it out with a pencil.

"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems"

-- P. Erdos

Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?

A: Because he left a residue at every pole.

Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation

function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?

A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.

"Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."

Moebius always does it on the same side.

Heisenberg might have slept here.

There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to

see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills.

He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a room

with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said "Boil the

water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the

burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a room with a stove, a table,

and a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said "Boil the water". The first

man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him

to be an Engineer, because he could solve each problem individually. The

second man moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the

pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor

told him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a previously

solved problem.

The great logician Betrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?)

once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1.

So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, "Ok. Prove that

you're the Pope."

He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope

is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one."

THE STORY OF BABEL:

In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by the

Great Mathamatical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to large

numbers and prospered.

One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far as the

eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that was to

reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... until one

night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.

The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge structure

reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed out from under

the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when they began to

speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not understand each

other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought amongst themselves

and each went about their own way. To this day the Topologists remain the

original Mathematicians.

- adapted from an American Indian legend

of the Mound Of Babel