This is a true story told by a friend of mine. It happened to a girl she knew.
There was this girl driving along the highway, when she suddely had to visit
the restroom. Unfortunately there is none along the highway, and she was a
long way from home. Well, after a while she just had to stop, and when she
saw this big trashbin she desided to stop and do it behind it.
Aaaaah, what a relief. While she sat there she raised her head and saw
samething on top of the trashbin, it looked like a microwave-oven. "Why would
someone throw away a micowave-oven? My husband is good at fixing such things,
so I'll take it with me".
Some miles later she raealized a policecar behind, and pulled to the side
"What is this, I haven't gone too fast".
The policeman comes over to her and takes a look into her car.
"What is this you have in the backseat?"
"Oh it's a microwave-oven I found in a trashbin along the road."
She told the policeman the story about the oven and that her husband should
"Well mrs. it is no microwave-oven you have in the backseat of your
car - it is a *radar*"
P.S. I have seen some radars, but no one looks even close to a microwave-oven,
- maybe it is a new brand :)
Three marines, a white man, a black man, and a jewish man, were
sitting in a foxhole (during a war) when BLAMMO!!!!! They are
all wasted by enemy fire. Like all good Marines, they go straight
to hell. The devil greets them, and says, "Look, I'm in a sporting
mood today. Tell you what-- for a hundred bucks each, I'll let you
go back and live again."
"A hundred bucks??!!!?? Is that all???" says the white guy, who
whips out the cash and gives it to the devil. POOOOF! He is back
in the foxhole. A medic comes running over. "I saw the whole thing,"
he says. "I thought you were dead. What happened???"
The white guy tells the story of being in hell, and how he got out
for a hundred dollars. "But where are the other two guys?" asks
Says the white-- "Well, the last I heard, the Jew had it down
to $49.50 and the black was still looking for a co-signer."
One day, while walking down a street, a marine general saw a boy shoveling
sh*t into a pile.
The general asked the boy, "Son, why are you shoveling that Sh*t into a pile?"
The boy responded, "I'm making me an Admiral!"
The general thought this was about the funniest thing he had ever seen so
he went back to the office and told his friend, an admiral, about what he had
it. The admiral wanted to see this for himself, so the general took the
admiral out to where the boy was.
The admiral asked, "Son, what are you building?"
The boy responded, "I'm building me an admiral."
Stunned, the admiral asked, "Why are you building an admiral?"
"Cause I ain't got enough sh*t to build me a marine!" said the boy. :)
I had a somewhat similar experience, however I had a vasectomy and had to
go back 2 months later so they could confirm that the operation was a sccess.
Well, the nurse gave me a glass jar with a lid on it, then proceded to show
me to the door and ask me if I would also like to take one of their handy-
dandy magazines in with me. I told her that I have no need for a magazine
and proceded into the restroom. Well......I guess it was about a half hour
later when the nurse came knocking on the door and asked "Sir, are you having
some kinda problem in there?" I answered "Well kinda, Ya see I shook it up
and down, I beat it against the sink, I slammed it against the wall, I wore
out my right hand, I sprained my left hand, and y'know I'm just about to
give up on tryin' to get this dad-burned jar open".
A few days ago it was reported that David Letterman was no longer going
to have the "top ten" list on every show....which begs the question -
what are the top ten reasons the "top ten" list will not be on every
David Letterman show?
10. Needs air time to introduce his new line of hair-care products.
9. He lost the only writer who could count from 10 to 1.
8. G.E. cancelled his login to NETNEWS - rec.humor.
7. Needs a funnier segment to compete with C-SPAN.
6. NBC's laugh machine has been overheating.
5. Paul's drummer gets paid way too much extra for this segment.
4. Dave has more important things to do - like smile at the camera -
3. What next!!!? - no more dumb animal tricks?
2. Nothing IS sacred to a dork.
and.... the number one reason why David Letterman is not doing the
"top ten" list on a regular basis is -
1. He wants to be more like Jay Leno.
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up
to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the
bird drops a load when it was directly over her.
The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth
open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"
Why are there no blacks in the cartoon the "Flinstones"?
Because they were still monkeys at that time.
Cannibal #1: Shall I boil the new missionary, Chief?
Cannibal #2: No, he's a friar.
Unravelling of the mysteries of the Northern lights!
Aurora Borealis revealed!
After reading too much about flat-panel plasma displays, I received a
divine revelation telling me the purpose of the shimmering curtains of
light in the Northern skies: It's a planetary terminal (but, luckily,
not the console).
With the knowledge of the revelation I was able to reinterpret the
patterns, and saw this:
Out of space - device(china)
Out of space - device(china)
Out of space - device(china)
#shutdown -y -g1y
Not on console
Not on console
(/dev/asia ): 89 blocks: 0 i-nodes
#rm -r /usr/acct/ussr
(/dev/asia ): 257349 blocks: 8437 i-nodes
A guy wakes up one morning, stretches turns to his wife and
says "Wow I slept well, I feel great!"
His wife looks at him and says, "Well I wouldnt go to work
if I were you, you look terrible!, are you sure you feel ok?"
He replies "Yeah I feel fine" then he hops out of bed and
goes to work.
While at work, he's whistling, singing and generally enjoying
a wonderful day, and all the time his friends are coming up and
asking if he feels alright cos he looks awful. Eventually his
boss comes in sees him and says, "Hey, you look terrible, take
the rest of the day off", He starts to argue,saying he feels great
but the boss orders him out.
Well, the guy thinks, maybe there is something to all this,
I'd better go to the doctor just in case.
At the doctors, he sits down and tells the MD "Look Doc,
all day Ive been feeling great but everyone says I look
awful, whats up?"
The Doc gets down his big book of medicine and starts to flick
through it :
"Hmm, looks awful, feels awful, no thats not it...."
"Looks great, feels great, nooo....."
"Looks great, feels awful, nope......"
"AH here we are, 'looks awful, feels great' : you're a cunt"
My favorite is "If she were two inches taller she'd be round"
There is this pack of Huskies(UW) walking down the street being led by their
head coach. As they approach an ally, a solitary Cougar(WSU) jumps out and
starts taunting the Huskies saying, "Ha you Huskies are sooo dumb and weak
that I could take you all on single handed....you all are just a pack of
dogs...hahaha", and he jumps back in. Well, not to let his team stand for
such insults, the coach says, "Ok, half of you go into that ally and get
that Cougar!" So half of the team, about 50 men, run into the ally. From
the ally comes the sound of a horrific fight and then silence which is soon
broken by the Cougar jumping back out and taunting the Huskies once again,
"HA HA HA, you are all so dumb....even I can't believe it...come and get me
if you dare", after which he jumps back in. Of course the rest of the
Husky team starts running for the ally to get the Cougar, but before they
get there, one battered Husky crawls out of the ally saying, "No Wait!,
it's a trap, there are TWO of them!"