Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are horny and will screw you next.

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are horny
and will screw you next.

What is the difference between Bike and a women?
The number of head lights.

Why do men go bald and women have no beards?
Women do so much mouth work they grow no beards
Men do so much brain work they get bald.

What is the difference between gun and a girl?
The gun is loaded before firing and the girl is loaded after firing.

What ever can go wrong will.
No matter where you go, there you are.
The secret of success is sincerity,
once you can fake that you've got it made.
If two wrongs don't make a right - try three!
You cannot successfully determine beforehand
which side of the bread to butter.
It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears
but only twice as many ears as noses.
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -
he will find an easier way to do it.
In any organisation there will always be one person
who knows what is going on - this person must be fired.
Indecision is the basis for flexibility.
Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back,
you've really got something!
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Creativity varies inversely with the number
of cooks involved with the broth.
You can make it foolproof but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
Always drive through an amber light.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put
a few nickels in the machine.
Fools rush in - and get the best seats.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
If nobody uses it, there must be a reason.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Everybody should believe in something: I believe I'll have another drink.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone
to blame it on.
You cannot accurately determine the depth of a puddle until you step in it.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
then you just don't understand the problem.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
1. If its green or it wriggles, it's biology 2. If it stinks it's
chemistry 3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Any system which relies on human reliability is unreliable.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are limited.
All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off
the face of the earth and never return.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
The closer you are to the facts of a situation,
the more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of the situation.
The further away the disaster or accident occurs,
the greater number of dead and injured required for it to make the news.
Build a system that even a fool can use,
and only a fool will want to use it.
Those who enjoy sausages and respect the law
should never watch either one being made.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
take the longest and cost the most.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -
the next time he's in need.
Einstein's other law of relativity: How long a minute is,
depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.