A man was very shy, and couldn't speak to more than two people at a
time without getting nervous. His boss and wife both suggested that he
take an Andrew Carnegie course.
He did take the course, and was such a success that they asked him to
give the commencement speech for his class. He gave his talk on "How
An Active Sex Life Helps a Marriage". It was an overwhelming success.
When he got home, his wife asked what he spoke about. Embarrassed
to tell the truth, he told her "My Experiences while Boating".
A few days later, his wife ran into his instructor. The instructor
was saying what a wonderful talk her husband had given. Her reply was:
"I was surprised at the topic he chose. He has only done it twice.
The first time, he got sea-sick, and the second time, he fell off!
The conductor is about to start the orchestra rehearsal again after a break,
when he notices that one of the violists is sobbing. Feeling concernid, he
asks the violist "What's the problem?" With much difficulty, the violist is
able to reply "The tympani player loosened one of my tuning pegs!" The
conductor, somewhat puzzled that something so trivial would be the cause of
so much distress, says "So?" The violist replies "He won't tell me which one!"
What are two blunders said by hosts for former children's tv shows:
Captain Kangaroo: "That ought to hold the little bastards," said just
before going off the air.
Pee Wee Herman: "That ought to hold the little bastard," said just before
going off into the air.
A few years back, some poor fool decided to rob a bank on a Friday afternoon.
Stupid fellow that one. If he had looked across the street, he would have
realized that this bank was next to FBI headquarters, and it was payday.
Virtually every person in the bank was an agent! Needless to say, this hapless
fool got a quick lesson in law enforcement technique...
My cousin used to work for, er, qantel, and there were some boxes of
garbage sitting on the loading dock. You bet someone stole them, after all,
they were labled printer boxes and such!!
This reminds me of the stories which appeared in the press a few years
ago during a garbage strike in N.Y. Apparently, the cabbies started wrapping
up their garbage and putting it in the back of their cab. It was always gone
by the end of their shift.
In College Park, GA, a suburb of Atlanta, an armed man entered a La
Quinta hotel lobby with the intention of robbing the place. He pulled out
his gun and demanded money from the hotel clerk. The funny thing is that
the robber never noticed that there was a FULLY-UNIFORMED police officer
standing less than 15 feet away in the lobby. Not only that, but the hotel
security camera filmed the entire episode, including the arrest. The local
television stations showed the tape on the evening news.
The stupidest tricks I've heard of, though, are always bank robbers.
Like the guy who was caught walking back to the bank with a can of gas after
his car ran out of gas while he was in robbing the bank.
They managed to enter the place without setting off the alarm, but they
were unable to crack the safe by drilling holes in it or trying to hear the
tumblers fall. So they decided to blow the thing open. After a loud explosion
the safe was still locked tight, but the alarm had been set off. When they
got to the getaway car it wouldn't start. So they each ran off in a different
direction as the sirens approached. The police had no problem identifying
and apprehending them, though. One of them had left his wallet on the front
seat of the getaway car.
The other day, a South Carolina football player didn't want to be caught
with the goods, so he swallowed six rocks of crack.
He died a few hours later.
A mugger in NY city (about 1965) tried to mug (or rape) two women walking
through Central Park. It turned out they were roller derby queens, and they
walked on him with spike heels. I heard that he died later, but I'm not sure.
Two muggers in Albany NY (about 1970) tried to mug someone coming out
of a grocery store. He was walking his pit bull, using a funny black belt for a leash.
Does anybody remember a few years back when two guys tried to hijack a
New York City subway train to Miami?
How about the bank robber in Champiagn IL. who robbed the bank one day
and return to the same bank the next day to deposit the money into his account
and even went to the same teller. Well the teller keep him busy while someone
called the police.
Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup??
If you were dyslexic AND cross-eyed, could you see ok??
"Oh, you're going to Hong Kong! You must try one of those new restaurants that
are on boats in the harbor!"
"No thanks, I never eat junk food." --British radio
Why did the orange lose his job at the orange juice factory?
-- He couldn't consentrate!
Los Angeles Times, February 10:
New York City gave a developer permission to construct a 31-story apartment
building on Manhattan's Upper East Side. It was later determined that the
building violates city zoning regulations, even though a faulty city zoning
map led to the error. So the developer must remove the top 12 stories from
the building, at an estimated cost of ten million dollars.
Seen on a T-shirt out at the lunch truck:
I FEEL MORE LIKE I DO TODAY THAN I DID YESTERDAY
In case you haven't been reading the newspapers-
the high school for the performing arts at which the movie 'FAME'
was filmed has burned down in New York City.
I hear they're going to do a new movie..... 'FLAME'
A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber
and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk
fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft
with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interes-
ting flying because of the manueverability, acceleration and the like.
The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you
guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate.
"Watch," he tells them.
After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says,
"There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots
say, "What are talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll,
got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."
BEFORE THE BIG BANG:
NEWS FROM THE HUBBLE LARGE SPACE TELESCOPE
The Astronomer was red-eyed, pale,
his face was gray with stubble;
he was 13 on a sliding scale
of 1 to 10 in trouble.
"Is Physics just a fairy tale?"
he asked, and then began to wail,
"Why DID we seek the holy grail?
Why did we launch the Hubble?
The launch was good (relax, exhale)
the data systems did not fail
we peered beyond the cosmic veil,
the anti-cosmic double
to back before the quarks prevail.
We digitized each dark detail
but it was all to no avail,
it burst our pretty bubble."
"WHAT did you see?" I asked "Before
Beginning Big Bang lights?"
(I reviews and interviews. I edits and I writes.)
"Before the start of Time, before the Universe's Birth,
What DID the Hubble show, ten billion years before the Earth?"
He told me. Now I writes no more.
I drinks a bit. I edits.
"Right before the Beginning," he said,
"is when THEY roll the credits!"