Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.
Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).
These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent
them two hammers and a toilet seat.
I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too."
It gives me great pleasure to introduce this next comedian. But before
I give myself great pleasure....
Lank and Earl
Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm way too high."
I like to sing to the songs on the radio in my car. When you go into
a tunnel, it's hard to come out on the right note. Actually, the news is
I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with
Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented
"Bambi" and "The Deerhunter."
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
had towels from my house.
I play golf even though I hate it. I'm not done with a game yet.
I hate those windmills.
How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! What's the deal on those anyway?
You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck.
I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.
This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don't
have to sit at the card table.
Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a
party dressed as a Pinata.
Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for
In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the highway shootings.
They came out with 'Happy To Be Alive Meals.' LA is a real strange
place. Even the Chinese Drivers honk me for driving too slow.
I have one of those real old American built cars. The kind that
just PUNCHES through accidents.
You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend
called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the
bathroom. "It's very simple," I said. "You start by filling up the
bathtub with water..."
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
Authors Unknown, but still funny
There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast
as you can. It's harder for drunk people to hit you.
Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest
people to talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic
minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the
women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
You're a great crowd. No, you're not a crowd, you're a mob.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...