If AOL Were A City -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- - You'd Live In A Place Where No Two People Had The Same Name

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If AOL were a City
- You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were
h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.
- You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried
to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
- Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by
slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems
for only $399.99
- The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to
leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
- 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special
offers, promotions and offers from www.girlies.com
- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
- The local post office wouldn't forward your mail to you when you moved.
- The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of
those brutal toe stubs.
- If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form
letter saying how "really important you are to us."
- The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his
slack-ass company somewhere else.
- Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and
this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
- Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently
scream, "M/F??!!," AGE/SEX?!?!, "WHAT ARE YOUR STATS," or "WANNA GET LUCKY?"
- Those who didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from
the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please
give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict
you and your family."
- Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
- Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag
and laugh behind your back.
- Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the
town security expert.
- You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling
you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really
the Earth's fault.
- Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy,
drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.
- Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd
foot the bill.
- You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd
wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.
- You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals
would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate
before sunup.
- The administration would secretly sell off chunks of the city's land,
while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
- The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and
advertise that children can play there free, then suddenly demand money
while ripping down the swings and accosting the children playing there.
- Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies
cannot get out "for safety reasons," and then hordes of perverts &
pedophiles are allowed in.
- The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city, but
would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
- Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY!! YOU DO
WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no." The voice then replies
- A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom, 2 patches,
commercial pics of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g.
- Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land
called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.
- Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope
trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.