I Love Her, But...
(a collection of men's thoughts on their women)
...she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen.
Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch
flies, and all I can see is her butt.
...she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called
me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone
what she'd have?
...what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When
she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my
half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm
tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
...she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it's not
on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the
list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list or it doesn't get done.
...when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest
for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake
cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or
to get pregnant, things get pretty intense..
...my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks
people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops
used to be smarter than their dogs.
...every so often !boom! she's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead.
Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.
...she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's
not afraid of the pain, she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of
any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
...she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's
a natural blonde.
...she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
...have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her
face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at
night, knowing that creature is next to you?
...my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I
kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
...after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her
eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have
to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry
...in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her
boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once
in a while I'd like to be me.
...she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed
'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to
...she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears
because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a
...she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded
and plebian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps,
for gifts for my mother.
...it annoys her that our children look like me.
...counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's
always got PMS.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...