A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man met a genie. The genie told him he could have whatever he
wanted provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thought
for a moment and then said, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat
me half to death."
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late
for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
His father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the
husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be
His wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't
A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report
it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he
motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know
what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got
fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were
there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house,
you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still
by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 20 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A guy went to a party without his wife. He heard another guy say to
his wife, "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He
thought this sort of speech is a good idea.
The next morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he said
to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."
A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your
bags, I've won the lottery!"
His wife excitedly asked, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm
He replied, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much,
fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned, but then smiled, "It really works!"
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you said.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Thanks Tom Ward <firstname.lastname@example.org> [Apparently also married]
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...