How do you keep an Englishman happy in his old age?

How do you keep an Englishman happy in his old age?
Tell him a joke when he's young.

Do you know why the British ships came back from the Falkland Islands full of
sheep?
War brides.

A Pakistani goes to a London brain surgeon and says, "Doctor, please can you
help me, I want to become an American." The surgeon replies, "Yes, of course,
old chap, it's quite a simple surgical procedure. The only drawback is that
we'll have to remove half your brain." The Pakistani agrees to go ahead with
the operation. After the surgery, the Pakistani wakes up from the anaesthetic
and finds the brain surgeon standing by his bedside. The surgeon sheepishly
tells him, "My dear chap, I'm most frightfully sorry, but it seems we had a
little slip up. We removed your whole brain." The Pakistani replies, "Oh,
that's quite all right, old chap."


One day a journalist, hard-up for a story, was sitting on an Australian beach.
As he gazed pensively out to sea, he saw a young woman thrashing about in the
water. Upon further observation, he saw a shark circling her. His adrenalin
pumping, he wondered what he could do to save her. Then a well built young
man, who was jogging along the beach, suddenly dashed into the sea, karate
chopped the shark, killing it, and helped the young woman swim to the beach.

The excited journalist, seeing a fantastic story, ran up to the young man and
said, "That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm
going to let the world know about this. You'll be famous. I can see it now,
<Brave Bronzed Aussie Saves Girl From Killer Shark>!"

The young man turned to the journalist and said, "But I'm British."

The journalist replied, without losing enthusiasm, "Oh, that doesn't matter."

The next day, the headlines read, <Pommie Bastard Kills Girl's Pet>.