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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
Flags: 000000000000
From: funny@looking.UUCP (Funny Guy)
Subject: The Oneliner file Annual
Keywords: racist, sexist, sexual, chuckle
Date: 16 Sep 88 15:30:04 GMT

Editors Note:

Here it is folks, the oneliner file. Over the past year, I have
received several short submissions that were mildly funny, but
not quite good enough or topical enough to merit their own posting.
I have collected them all for you, and it's time to flush the
buffer. These vary in quality quite a bit, and are not rated.

Please don't take this as an invitation to send me your own
favourite one liners. There are thousands of these things in
the world, and I don't have time to sift through them except on
an infrequent basis. Remember, one joke per submission.

My advice is to read this file slowly if you can, one joke at a
time. Oneliner jokes are often ruined if read together in
a bunch.

**********************************************************************

From: watmath!linus!encore!loverso (John LoVerso)
>From Dave Barry's Annual Tax-time article, Jan 17, Boston Sunday Globe:

Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the
convenient toll-free _IRS_Taxpayer_Complaint_Hot_Line_ number,
1-800-AUDITME.

= = = = = = =
From: watmath!linus!harvard!src.dec.com!broder (Andrei Broder)


1. A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the
devil. Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies"..

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From: Kent Paul Dolan <watmath!linus!harvard!xanth.cs.odu.edu!kent>

Heard on National Public Radio:

I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway.

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From: Paul S. R. Chisholm, {ihnp4,cbosgd,allegra,rutgers}!mtune!lznv!psc

In pioneer Utah, Morman girls tended to marry Young.


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From: watmath!linus!harvard!uw-beaver!tc.fluke.COM!dbb (Throat Warbler Mangrove)

A feature is a bug with seniority.

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From: P. Ryan<watmath!bellcore!bpa!sjuvax!ryan@rutgers.edu>

"How can you waste beer like that!! Don't you realize there are sober
chilren in Africa!!"

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From: Stan Reeves <gatech!gt-eedsp!sjreeves%gt-eedsp>

Seen in an article in the Wall Street Journal --

"Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?"

"No, dear. Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'."

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From: watmath!uunet!cs.utah.edu!u-pgardi%sunset (Phillip Garding)

Here are more of the ever-popular daffynitions. I have never seen this
particular group before, but I won't swear that they haven't been around.
I don't know the original source; this was mailed to me by a friend.


Apple - Typically a device to seduce men, usually equipped with a
display screen

File - What your secretary does to her nails when the computer is doing
all of the work

Loop - a method of execution no longer in vogue, except in Iran.

MegaHertz - a VERY large car rental company

Real Time - Here and Now, as opposed to Fake time which occurs there and then


Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.

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From: watmath!aucs!820785gm (Andrew MacLeod)

Have you met the "bud light" couple?
She tastes great, and he's less filling!

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From: julian@uhccux.uhcc.hawaii.edu (Julian Cowley)

Who was the first computer expert ever?

Eve, because she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.

= = = = = = =
From: watmath!uunet!wyse.wyse.com!mikew (Mike Wexler)

[This article is reprinted from Pedantic Monthly with permission of the editor.

The following laws are assembled from a variety of sources too numerous to
cite. We thought we should say that lest you think we made
them up, assembled them for the first time, or something like that...]

o Faber's Law: If there isn't a law, there will be.

o Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to
do it himself(or doesn't know any better).

o Ross' Law: Never characterize the importance of a statement in
advance.

o Secretary's rule of meetings: The time taken up by a meeting will
always be at least 5 times the time needed by the secretary to do
the job.


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From: Bryan Hoog <watmath!hppad!hpfcla!hplabs!hplsla!bryanh>
(From a recent Newsweek.)

Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party:

"I feel like a 20-year old! Unfortunately, there aren't any here."

= = = = = = =
From: <watmath!ihnp4!ihlpf!rueb>
Subject: what's the difference between kinky and perverted

Kinky is when you use a feather;
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

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From: watmath!nicmad!astroatc!philm (Phil Mason)

What do you call poisoned coffee? - - - Grounds for divorce.


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From: <watmath!research!ark>

A singles bar is the gadget that keeps the
one-dollar bills from flying out of a cash register drawer.

(I made this one up)

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From: watmath!ziebmef!martin (Martin Loeffler)

(from a friend, Gonzo Tog (Tells you something))

Guys talking in a bar:

....what's that you say? You've got 5 penises? Don't you have a problem with
underwear?

Na. Fits like a glove.

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From: watmath!cbterra.MIS.OH.ATT.COM!sbt (sb tobias)

did you hear about the guy who died from snorting saccharine?

yeah, he thought it was diet coke.


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From: <watmath!att!mtune!poseidon!psrc>

(Overheard between a UNIX(R) system novice and guru:)

"What causes a bus error?"

"Well, it can happen when the driver has a heart attack."

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From: watmath!watdcsu.waterloo.edu!broehl (Bernie Roehl)

This was heard floating around the late-night parties at the Theatre Ontario
Summer courses last week. Don't know the original source.

Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?"

A: "Is there a dog?"

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From: watmath!uunet!csvax.caltech.edu!oxy!nun.of.the.above (Ilan U. Woll)

Overheard by a person with a cold:
"I have more phlegm in my throat than a Belgian prostitute.

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From: <watmath!clyde!mtune!att!ihlpl!brandx>

(from Artie Partyfinger - another CA origineted joke)

Q: How can you tell if your roommate's gay?

A: His dick tastes like shit.

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From: <watmath!clyde!mtune!att!ihlpl!brandx>

OK, here's anther from Partyfinger ...

Do you know why there were only 600 Mexicans at the Battle of the
Alamo?

There were only 2 cars!

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From: SpIKe <watmath!ecf.toronto.edu!drascic>
Subject: Pope Joke

John Paul 2 is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing his lips
to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark:

"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on the women!"

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From: watmath!uunet!Sun.COM!wdl1!jtd (Jeffrey T. DeMello)

How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?

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From: markh@csd4.milw.wisc.edu (Mark William Hopkins)
Subject: Uncited Buddha Sayings

Good things come to those who gain weight

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From: tektronix!ogcvax!littlei!vasa1!ajw

"I'm not saying Reagan is senile, but
they now let him pre-board Air Force One."
-- Dennis Miller

Q. What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?
A. Noah's Ark was made of wood; Joan of Arc was Maid of Orleans.
-- anon.

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From: Phil Regier <watmath!watvlsi!peregier>

Did you hear about the new bird dog bra?
It turns setters into pointers.

Heard on an ancient Tonight Show - by somebody like Phyllis Diller.

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