Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to Cafeteria
Barium: What you do when C.P.R. fails.
Benign: What you are after you be eight.
Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O, U
Caesarean Section: A district in Rome.
Cat Scan: Searching for kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark
D & C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live longer.
Enema: Not a friend
Genital: Non Jewish
G. I. Series: Baseball games between soldiers.
Grippe: A suitcase.
Hangnail: A coat hook.
High Colonic: Jewish religious holiday
Medical Staff: A doctor's cane.
Minor Operation: Coal digging.
Morbid: A higher offer.
Nitrate: Lower than the day rate.
Node: Was aware of.
Organic: Church musician.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear: Fatherhood test
Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis
Post-Operative: A letter carrier.
Prostate: Flat on your back
Protein: In favor of young people.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
Rectum: Dang near killed him
Secretion: Hiding anything.
Seizure: Roman emperor
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal: Getting sick at the airport
Tibia: Country in North America
Tumor: An extra pair.
Urine: Opposite of you're out.
Varicose: Near by
Here is a guide to familiar real-estate ad phrases.
Charming - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have
to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."
Much potential - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and
believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See
"Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."
Unique city home - Used to be a warehouse.
Hi-tech/Contemporary - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the
kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.
Daring design - Still a warehouse.
Completely updated - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting
or vice versa.
Sophisticated - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."
One-Of-A-Kind - Ugly as sin.
Brilliant concept - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your
30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."
Upper bracket - If you have to ask . . .
You'll love it - No, you won't.
Must see to believe - An absolutely accurate statement.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.
Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when you come at them rapidly.
Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've
been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is
destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of=20
Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies
dwell without funding.
Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who
come to visit.
Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and
prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Seth Croston Barber <email@example.com>
Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:36 PDT 1999