Artery: The study of fine paintings.
    Bacteria: Back door to Cafeteria
    Barium: What you do when C.P.R. fails.
    Benign: What you are after you be eight.
    Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O, U
    Caesarean Section: A district in Rome.
    Cat Scan: Searching for kitty
    Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
    Colic: A sheep dog.
    Coma: A punctuation mark
    Congenital: Friendly.
    D & C: Where Washington is
    Dilate: To live longer.
    Enema: Not a friend
    Fester: Quicker.
    Genital: Non Jewish
    G. I. Series: Baseball games between soldiers.
    Grippe: A suitcase.
    Hangnail: A coat hook.
    High Colonic: Jewish religious holiday
    Medical Staff: A doctor's cane.
    Minor Operation: Coal digging.
    Morbid: A higher offer.
    Nitrate: Lower than the day rate.
    Node: Was aware of.
    Organic: Church musician.
    Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
    Pap Smear: Fatherhood test
    Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis
    Post-Operative: A letter carrier.
    Prostate: Flat on your back
    Protein: In favor of young people.
    Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
    Rectum: Dang near killed him
    Rheumatic: Amorous
    Secretion: Hiding anything.
    Seizure: Roman emperor
    Tablet: A small table.
    Terminal: Getting sick at the airport
    Tibia: Country in North America
    Tumor: An extra pair.
    Urine: Opposite of you're out.
    Varicose: Near by
    Vein: Conceited

    Here is a guide to familiar real-estate ad phrases.

    Charming - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have
    to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."

    Much potential - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and
    believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See
    "Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."

    Unique city home - Used to be a warehouse.

    Hi-tech/Contemporary - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the
    kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

    Daring design - Still a warehouse.

    Completely updated - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting
    or vice versa.

    Sophisticated - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."

    One-Of-A-Kind - Ugly as sin.

    Brilliant concept - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your
    30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."

    Upper bracket - If you have to ask . . .

    You'll love it - No, you won't.

    Must see to believe - An absolutely accurate statement.


    Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after
    you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
    your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
    bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
    shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the
    subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

    Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in
    the fruit you're eating.

    Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day
    consuming only things that are good for you.

    Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
    when you come at them rapidly.

    Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've
    been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

    Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is
    destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of=20
    many species.

    Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies
    dwell without funding.

    Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

    Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
    until you realize it was your money to start with.

    Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who
    come to visit.

    Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and
    prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

    Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
    Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:36 PDT 1999