Related:

• You can't cheat an honest man, never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
  -- W. C. Field...
• Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
  -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee...
• I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.
  Marriage is a two-way proposition, but never let the woman know she is one of the ways....
• One word of advice: Don't give it.
• Never give a feminizt an even break.
• You'll never make it as a juggler, m'boy. Your eyes are too sad.
  But don't listen to me, kid. My entire success is based on one rule...