Related:

• I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.
  Then I realized who was telling me this. -- Emo Phillip...
• I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.
  Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Phillip...
• I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.
  So I said, "Get off me, you two!" -- Emo Phillip...
• My grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off a thorn. -- Louis Adamic
• My sword said WHAT??? -- Famous Last Word
• I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." -- Emo Phillip
• I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. -- Emo Phillip
• I was walking down the street, something caught my eye.
  ..and dragged it fifteen feet. -- Emo Phillip...