[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker
factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always
get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
impression.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstore sells,
When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me,
Heroes often fail,
You won't read that book again, because
the ending is just too hard to take....
