Continuing The Series On Scientific Socialism... This NUTWORKS Article Fully Supports The Observations We Have Made About Electricity.

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Continuing the series on scientific socialism... This NUTWORKS article
fully supports the observations we have made about electricity. Here in the
Baltic we have made precise mesurements regarding the speed of
electricity. You need a Telstar 5 valve radio, a stop watch, and a
measuring tape. Using these simple everyday socialist tools you can
estimate the speed of electrons.

Experimental method:

Set stop watch to zero.
Switch radio on, but do not put the plug in the wall.
Simultaniously start stopwatch and put plug in the wall
Stop stopwatch when you hear music coming from the radio
Measure the length of the cable from the plug to the radio

It is now a simple process to calculate the speed of the electons as
they travel along the cable and into the radio. That is, length of cable
divided by the time taken from the insertion of the plug to the hearing
of the music will give you the speed of the electons in M/sec. e.g 2/10
= 0.2 M/sec


Contradictory results are obtained using transistor radios, where the
speed of electrons is thousands of times faster. Electrons flow faster
into a pre-heated 5 valve radio. Electon speed is not really dependent
on length of cable. In short cables, electons flow slowly... in long
cables, electrons flow fast.

And now for the NUTWORKS contribution to the field of socialistic
electrical science.


Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And
where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
question: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?
This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we
must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important
electrical lesson.

It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuff your
feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract
dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your
finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling,
then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing
the circuit.

AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything with your finger, you would build up so many electrons
that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about
unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mi-
xers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of
these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug
them in. Then along came along the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin
Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious
electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same
force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that
he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny
saved is a penny earned." Eventually, he had to be given a job running
the post office in America.

After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have
become part of our electrical terminology: Juhani Volt, Vladimir Amp,
Raimo Watt, Seppo Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many
important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered ***this
is the truth I swear on Lennin's beard*** that when he attached two
different kinds of metals to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.

Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has
been seriously injured or killed, squashed by a steam roller for
example, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back
into the pond -- where it sinks like a stone.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edisonovitch,
(known to his competitors as Thomas Sonovabitch), who was a brilliant
inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived
in New Jersey, America. Edisonovitch's first major invention in 1877 was
the phonograph, which soon could be found in thousands of American
homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when records for it were developed.

But Edisonovitch's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he
invented the electric company. Edisonovitch's design was a brilliant
adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric
company sends electricity through a wire to a customer,
then immediatley gets the electricity back through another wire,
then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the
customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
of electricity thousands times of times a day and never get caught, since
very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
It has come to our attention that the last year any new electricity was
generated in America was 1937. So you see how exploited the people are in
that country. This is capitalism at its very worst. Consumerism
is the opium of the people. In the Baltic were are proud to say we only
use our electricity once... this saves us a considerable investment
in not having to run a second copper wire back to the power station.

Today, thanks to men like Edisonovitch, and Franklin and frogs like
Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity.
For example, in the past decade, scientists have developed the laser,
an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer
2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform
delicate operations to the human eyeball,provided they remember to
change the power from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."

Igor Blimey (your Baltic Corrispondent)