Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
    Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
    Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
    Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
    Sell Girl Scout cookies.
    On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
    Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
    Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
    Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
    Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
    One word: Flatulence!
    On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
    Do Tai Chi exercises.
    Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
    When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
    Give religious tracts to each passenger.
    Meow occasionally.
    Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
    Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
    Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
    Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
    Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
    Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
    Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
    Leave a box between the doors.
    Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
    Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
    Start a sing-along.
    When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
    Play the harmonica.
    Shadow box.
    Say "Ding!" at each floor.
    Lean against the button panel.
    Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
    Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
    Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
    Bring a chair along.
    Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
    Blow spit bubbles.
    Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
    Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
    Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
    Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
    Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
    If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
    Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
    Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"
    Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.
    Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
    Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.
    Make chalk drawings on the walls.
    As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"
    Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
    Try to get a game of "Twister" going.
    Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.

    Seth Croston Barber <>
    Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999


    I'd love to, but . . .

    I have to floss my cat.
    I've dedicated my life to linguini.
    I want to spend more time with my blender.
    The President said he might drop in.
    The man on television told me to say tuned.
    I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
    I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
    It's my parakeet's bowling night.
    It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
    I'm building a pig from a kit.
    I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
    I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
    There's a disturbance in the Force.
    I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
    I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
    I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
    I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
    I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
    I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
    My crayons all melted together.
    I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
    I'm in training to be a household pest.
    I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
    My patent is pending.
    I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
    I'm sandblasting my oven.
    I'm worried about my vertical hold.
    I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
    I'm being deported.
    The grunion are running.
    I'll be looking for a parking space.
    My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
    The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
    I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
    I have to fluff my shower cap.
    I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
    I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
    I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
    My plot to take over the world is thickening.
    I have to fulfill my potential.
    I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
    It's too close to the turn of the century.
    I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
    My subconscious says no.
    I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
    I left my body in my other clothes.
    The last time I went, I never came back.
    I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
    I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
    None of my socks match.
    I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
    I'm having all my plants neutered.
    People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
    I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
    I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
    I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
    My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
    I'm touring China with a wok band.
    My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
    I never go out on days that end in "Y."
    My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
    I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
    I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
    I'm too old/young for that stuff.
    I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
    I have too much guilt.
    There are important world issues that need worrying about.
    I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
    I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
    I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
    I feel a song coming on.
    I'm trying to be less popular.
    My bathroom tiles need grouting.
    I have to bleach my hare.
    I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
    I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
    You know how we psychos are.
    My favorite commercial is on TV.
    I have to study for a blood test.
    I'm going to be old someday.
    I've been traded to Cincinnati.
    I'm observing National Apathy Week.
    I have to rotate my crops.
    My uncle escaped again.
    I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
    I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
    I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
    I have to go to court for kitty littering.
    I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
    I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
    Having fun gives me prickly heat.
    I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
    I have to jog my memory.
    My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
    I have to stay home and see if I snore.
    I prefer to remain an enigma.
    I think you want the OTHER [your name].
    I have to sit up with a sick ant.
    I'm trying to cut down.
    . . . well, maybe.

    Seth Croston Barber <>
    Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999


    Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
    insist to others that you "like it that way".

    Drum on every available surface.

    Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

    Staple papers in the middle of the page.

    Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

    Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

    Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

    Set alarms for random times.

    Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the
    flavor off.

    Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

    Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking"

    Honk and wave to strangers.

    Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of
    rental movies.

    Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
    complementary mints by the cash register.

    Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

    Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's
    "Metal Machine Music".

    Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape

    Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole

    Pay for your dinner with pennies.

    Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

    Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's

    Light road flares on a birthday cake.

    Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their

    Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

    Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".....

    Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

    At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

    Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

    Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

    Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

    Drive half a block.

    Name your dog "Dog".

    Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

    Ask people what gender they are.

    Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

    Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
    "real hoot".

    Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
    don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

    Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
    can of Lysol.

    While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a

    Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.

    Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

    Change your name to Jane Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first
    in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
    pronounce each A.

    Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
    they slow down.

    Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

    Sing along at the opera.

    Mow your lawn with scissors.

    Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with

    Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket
    isn't cricket."

    Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic

    Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

    Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

    Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
    awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more
    any moment.

    Never make eye contact.

    Never break eye contact.

    Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your

    Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


    My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
    not face-concealing ones.

    My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

    My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
    anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

    Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

    The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
    Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
    Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

    I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

    When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or
    are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No,
    just sensible."

    When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
    will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and
    shoot him.

    After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
    in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during
    which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

    I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
    necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled
    "Danger: Do Not Push".

    I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
    destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

    I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
    hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

    I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
    prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
    enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

    I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident:
    I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

    I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy";
    I simply choose not show them any.

    One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
    in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before

    All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of
    the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
    celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

    My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
    of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
    adhere to any other dress codes.

    The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
    other form of last request.

    I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
    that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
    when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan
    into operation.

    I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
    scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
    to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

    I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
    one thing I want to know."

    When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their


    Machine Theme

    Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work?
    Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I
    wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button
    does. . . .

    How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
    instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch
    this. . . . YOW!

    You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and
    on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We
    aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple
    and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to
    suffer through another long answering machine message when you call
    me. . . .

    (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
    didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to
    call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey
    don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht
    leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

    You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale
    in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are
    not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the
    machine did not work.

    Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
    test: 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . .

    C'mon . . . you can do it . . . just a little one. That's the way . . . just
    a little beep, just a little one. C'mon . . . good boy . . . here we go . . .
    like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon . . . There you

    Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you
    beep! If you beep, I'll . . . don't even think about it! Don't . . ..!

    No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the
    beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEE!

    Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

    Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

    Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.

    Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

    Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

    Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

    Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep.

    Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

    Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

    Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

    (Computer generated voices:)
    1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
    2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
    1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...
    2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
    1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
    2: ...unless of course, somebody pulls out our plug!

    1: I didn't expect an answering machine.
    2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
    1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
    2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
    1: And message. Damn.
    2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
    1: And time you called.
    2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
    1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.

    (Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached...(TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

    (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

    Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

    (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

    Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

    (After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.

    (Start, low pitch, slow:) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... (Middle, normal:) ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home... (Later, high pitch, fast:) ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...(End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:)...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP

    This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

    Authority Figures

    Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

    Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

    The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

    (Militaristic mechanical voice:)

    You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

    You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent.

    (In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.

    Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.)

    (Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

    "I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred." "We're not home; leave a message."

    This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back. Deal with it.

    (Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.

    Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

    Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

    (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

    Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

    Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

    Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

    E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.

    Odd Organizations

    This is the Literacy Self Test Hot line. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

    Thank you for calling the Confessional Hot line. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

    Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear ... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...

    (Play Gregorian chants in the background:) Hello Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicals of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are in vespers and thus unable to answer your call, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence and returning your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.

    (To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message...

    You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

    Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

    (French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

    Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.

    Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

    Sherwood Forest. Which dear do you want?

    Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
    Hello, you're caller number nine!

    Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

    This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

    Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

    (Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.

    You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance.

    Mainly Musical Theme

    (Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":) Leave a message... Leave a message...

    (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP

    (Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 587-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")

    (Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home."

    (To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home,Leave a message, At the tone. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us.

    Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP

    (Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

    Family Fun

    Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

    Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...
    Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
    Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
    att: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
    Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
    Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.
    Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)
    Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
    1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.
    2: (Background:) What are you doing?
    1: I'm recording an answering machine message.
    2: But we're here right now.
    1: But we might not be here later.
    2: Oh. (To phone:) Leave a message.

    This is Fred. We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later.

    Hello. I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over... (Loud music cuts in:) BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner. After the tone... BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...Shit... Leave a message after the tone...

    (Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back.

    Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah ithat's it.

    Can't Answer Right Now Because...

    Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

    (Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!

    (Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

    (In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

    Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

    You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

    I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

    I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

    I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

    I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

    Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name...

    If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number...

    Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.

    Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)

    Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

    I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

    We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually.

    Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.

    We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got.

    (Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.

    Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
    Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...
    Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

    You're In Big Trouble

    Hello! I'm on a four state killing spree! WATTA YA WANT?
    Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (Coughing loony laughter.)

    (Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

    (Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide.

    The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS!

    Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.

    Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.

    This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

    You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

    Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

    Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad and Main and bring the girl. (CLICK)

    After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

    My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval.

    Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...

    Befuddle The Caller

    (A busy signal.) -- Steven Wright

    (Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

    The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.

    The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.)

    [Author: I don't find this one funny. I think it's rude and immature. But this is a canonical list, and some people think it's funny, so here it is:] Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.

    Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a pleasant day. (This can dissuade prank and sales callers who don't know it's really a private line.)

    Creamed asparagus! BEEP

    All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the answering machine of...

    (Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.)

    This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can.

    Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

    I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out.

    This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.

    Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.

    Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.

    (Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

    Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

    Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

    You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...

    This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling...

    We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

    Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

    (And here's a way to befuddle the *callee* rather than the caller: Record someone's answering machine message as you hear it, and then play it back to them as your message to them. Repeat over time until something interesting happens.)

    (Another way to befuddle the callee; leave a message like this: "Hello. This is a message for, message for, message for, message for," and then hang up.)

    Other Play With The Caller

    OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?

    (Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

    Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.

    Hi, I am Chevy Chase's answering machine and you're NOT.

    Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.")

    You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

    As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

    This answering machine message is for all you psychics out there... (Long silence...) BEEP

    Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.

    I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...
    I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

    I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

    (With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

    Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.

    Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren'tready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

    (Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

    I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

    This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.

    (Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

    If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

    I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.

    (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.
    Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.

    Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota.

    In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

    Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

    (Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

    Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

    I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

    Please press 1 if you'd like to leave a message. Please press 2 if
    you're one of those people who likes to listen to the outgoing message
    and then hang up. Please press 3 if you're one of those people who
    likes to listen to the outgoing message and then hang up but one minute
    later realize that you might as well leave a message so you call again.
    Please press 4 if you're one of those people who likes to listen to the
    outgoing message and then hang up but one minute later realize that you
    might as well leave a message so you call again but then decide you
    don't really need to leave a message after all so you hang up again.
    Please press 5 if you would like to discuss the socio-political-economic
    ramifications of the Crimean War. (fade off into distant beep)

    Science Fiction

    Bridge, Kirk here.

    Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

    (Star Trek theme in the background:)
    (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.
    (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.
    (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

    Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

    (Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

    Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

    A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

    You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

    Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

    Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.


    I'm gone.

    (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

    This is David. Talk to me.

    You have reached 555-6238. Why?

    This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

    You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

    You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

    This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.)

    (Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...


    (For Shakespeare lovers only:) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

    This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

    Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

    Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
    Rocky: Again?
    Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.) Must have been a wrong number.
    Rocky: ere's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

    (Recorded during a party:)
    HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB Yeah!! We're having a party!! Come on over! Mike's not home right now!! Look out!! Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. Was that the phone ringing?

    (A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi, this is Kathy. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better.


    These words are lovely dark and deep
    But I've got promises to keep
    And miles to go before I sleep
    So leave a message at the beep.

    Seth Croston Barber <>
    Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999


    20. Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!

    19. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.

    18. Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.

    17. Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

    16. Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.

    15. No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.

    14. Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.

    13. LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.

    12. You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole driving home from work.

    11. You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal stripes.

    10. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.

    9. Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose a limb if he tries to duck through back seat.

    8. Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in Quantum Physics.

    7. Bugs never see you comin'.

    6. You can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

    5. Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

    4. Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to not arouse suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.

    3. License plate: "Me=mc2"

    2. Cigarette butts don't land in the backseat -- they land in last week!

    and the Number 1 Cool Thing About a Car that
    Goes Faster than the Speed of Light...

    1. Chicks dig it.


    10. Gargamel
    Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in white
    outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue
    dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

    9. Olive Oil
    Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! she
    might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side
    question, what the hell are Popey and Brutus thinking? They almost made the
    list for courting her.

    8. Snagglepuss
    Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

    7. He-Man
    This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF
    ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle,
    hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the stuff in his pet
    tiger. Animal Abuse.

    6.&5. Yogi and Boo Boo
    We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave
    and trip.

    4. Droopy
    The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper
    every year or two? The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the
    picture of the babe.

    3. Dopey Dwarf
    He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under
    investigations. Allegations that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy
    and all the guys are partaking are afloat.

    2. Daffy Duck
    He's GOT to be on crack. He is so wired he bounces around on his
    head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might
    be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy
    with Tourettes, Porky though.

    1. Shaggy
    By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy
    converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie
    Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does
    pot. And look at the way him and his friends painted that van!