Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings.

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"



Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"



Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"



The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"



The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later,
she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very
boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would
like to return it."

The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who
took our phone book!"

What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties?

Women!

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shower?

A: You don't have to turn a blonde on to get her wet.

Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on the beach?

Because she doesn't want to get sand in her Busch.

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?

So they have some place to put their feet.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for
a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll
never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The
brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar,
and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the
female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her
normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off and hits a man as
he's walking to the next hole. He immediately clasps his hands over
his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.

The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right. He says that
he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They unzip his
pants and begin to massage his crotch.

After a while one blonde asks if it feels better, and he says, "That
felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!"

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided
to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide
in that barn, they'll never find us."

So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.

The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the
air!"

The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"

So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second
one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were
getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up,
the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.

So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."

"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.

The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."

"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.

The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was
really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband
for help.
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.
''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.

One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So she goes to the
library and reads and researches ice fishing. Then she goes to the
sporting goods store and buys everything she needs.

Then she finally thinks she is ready so she goes out to the ice and
starts drilling a hole. Suddenly she hears a voice from up above. It
says: "There are no fish under the ice."

So she decides to go farther down on the ice. She starts drilling and
she hears the voice again: "There are no fish under the ice."

So she packs up her things and moves down the ice again. She starts
drilling and she hears the voice again, "There are no fish under the
ice."

"Is that you Lord?" she says.

"No," says the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice hockey rink."

A blonde comes home and finds her mom dead on the floor.

But she goes to work, and starts crying and her boss asks, "What's
wrong?"

She says, "Well, my mom died."

He told her to go home but she said, "No, I'll be fine."

About an hour later her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's
wrong?"

And she says, "Well, I just talked to my sister, and her mom died
too!"

A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy who works there
where the country music CD's are.

The salesman replies, "Try the other side."

So the blonde moves to his other ear and says, "Where are the country
music CD's?"

A blonde goes to an office party and wins a thermos.

The blonde asks a co-worker, "What does it do?" He says it keeps hot
things hot and cold things cold.

The next day the blond goes to work after filling her thermos with ice
cream and tea.

A blonde was cooking dinner, when her kitchen caught on fire. So she
called 911 and said, "My kitchen is on fire!"

They asked, "How do we get there?"

The blonde said, "Well, DUH, the big red truck!"

A blonde was out on a date.

Her date said you have something on your cheek. So she wiped it off.

Then her date said, "No, the other side."

So she reached into her mouth and wiped the other side.

A blonde was working on a puzzle.

After ten hard months of work, she finally finished.

She was so proud of herself because on the side of the box it said,
"2-3 years."

A blonde wearing a headset walks into a barbershop and says he wants
his hair dyed brown.

The barber asks him to take off the headphones. The blonde refuses,
but the barber dyes it anyway.

The blonde falls asleep so the barber takes the headphones off and
continues dying his hair.

Two minutes later he''''s shocked to find the blonde is dead. The
barber puts on the headphones and there's a voice repeating, "Breathe
in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out."

A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus play poker, who
wins?

The stupid blonde because the other two don't exist.

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on
his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you
who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because
you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not
only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the
blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that
little jerk on your knee!''

How did the blonde die raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree!

What's the difference between the Atlantic Coast and a blonde?

The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs!!

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?

A: They can both drive you crazy.

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the
blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on.
After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde
if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No.
Yes. No."

How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?

Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, " A
tan for 2 please!"

The cashier said, " Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are
you two sisters?"

They chuckled and replied, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

A blonde tried to shoot herself!

Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's
car?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe!

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?

A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey,
wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man
behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The
bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde.
Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't
want to have to explain it five times."

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to
have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the
husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went
through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's
the other father!?!"

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy, who were
construction workers and they were working on top of a building. It
was lunch time and the Irsh man opens his lunch pail and he gets
cabbage and beef and he says, "If I get one more beef and cabage for
lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building."
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says
if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building.
The blond man opens his lunch pale and gets a bologna sandwhich he
siad if I get one more bologna sandwhich I'm goona jump off of this
building.
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabage and
beef so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens
hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his
death. Then the blond guy opens his lunch pale and finds a bologna
sandwhich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, ''Bagorrah,
only if I would have known that he didn't like cabage and beef I would
have packed him something else." Then the Mexican's wife then said,
''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed
something else. ''Finally, the blonde man's wife siad '' I don't know
what his problem was; he packed his own lunch.''

Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job?

A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.

The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers
it.

It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"

She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"

What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?

"Would you like fries with that?"

Q: What is every blonde's ambition?

A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

A: She missed.

Why don't blondes eat bananas?

They can't find the zipper.

Q: How do you tell if a bank robber is blonde?

A: She ties up the safe and blows the guard.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?

A: A whine cellar.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!

What does a blonde do if she's not in bed by 10:00 pm?

She goes home.

Why was the Blonde's bellybutton bruised?

Her husband was a blonde too!

What do you get when a 6-foot blonde bends over?

A 3-foot brunette!

A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order their drinks,
they watch the 6 o' clock news. On the broadcast is a man about to
jump from a building. Hours pass as they find themselves sitting in
the same seats at the bar watching the 10 o' clock news. The brunette
says to the blonde, "I bet you $20 that the man jumps." Thinking for a
moment, the blonde takes the bet. Sure enough the man jumps. As the
blonde reaches into her purse to pay the bet, she says, "My God, I
just saw that same man on the 6 o'clock news, I didn't think he would
jump again."

Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike?

A: It was going too fast for her to get on.

What do you call a blonde bird?

A swallow!

How does a blonde kill a bird?

She throws it off a cliff.

A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father
says, ''Look, a dead bird.''

And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''

What happened when the blonde tried to give her boyfriend a blow-job
while he was driving?

They both fell off the motorcycle.

Why don't blondes like to breastfeed their babies?

It hurts to boil their nipples!

How do blondes' braincells die?
Alone.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde's brain and a box of
rocks?

A: Nothing.

How do you brainwash a blonde?

Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: Why did the blonde bring a gun to the wedding?

A: She was told she was supposed to hold up the bride's train.

What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
Translator.

Q: What did the blonde do after she brushed her hair?

A: Pulled up her pants.

What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde ?
Bucket seats.

What do you call a pimple on a blonde's butt?

A brain tumor.

Q: Why do blondes use tampons with extra-long strings ?

A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.

What do a blonde and butter have in common?

They both spread for bread!

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

Turning off the car!

A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window frames on a
50-story building. He was using an electric saw and accidentally cut
one of his ears off. A guy was walking along the street below him so
he called out, ''Hey, you on the street, can you see my ear down
there?'' The guy on the street picks up an ear saying, ''Is this it?''
''No,'' was the reply from the blonde carpenter, ''mine had a pencil
behind it.''

Why don't Blondes make good cattle ranchers?

They can't keep their calves together.

How do a blonde's brain cells die?

Alone.

What do you call a blonde with a chainsaw?

Dead!

Why don't blondes get coffee breaks at work?

Because retraining costs too much!

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my
coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''

The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the
cup.''

What do blondes call condoms?

Doggie Bags

How do you confuse a blonde?

Tell her a blonde joke.

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the
contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the
contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her
what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told
him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote
something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled,
''Greenside up.'' The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say
anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him,
''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The
contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window
and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but
still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she
says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The
contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window
and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally perplexed and
says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I
want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window
and yell greenside up. What is going on?'' The contractor replies,
''You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.''

Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?

A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep
farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The
farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one
you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You
have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you're exactly right. I
guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep."

The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to
thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?"
asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the
farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."

Why do blondes have one more brain cell than cows?

So when you pull on a blonde's tit, she doesn't shit on the floor.

Why did the blonde cross the road?

She was tied to the baby that was stapled to the chicken.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

From crawling across the street when the sign said, ''DON'T WALK.''

A blonde co-ed is looking at a bulletin board and she sees a piece
of paper that says, ''Ocean Cruise Only 5$.''

She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address
listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the
secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had
the five dollars. The blonde pulls five dollars out of her pocket and
hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly guy
reading a newspaper. She nods to the him. He stands up and knocks the
blonde unconscious.

When the blonde wakes up she''s tied to a log and is floating down
river. She starts to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one
of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next
to her, she says, "So do you think they''re going to serve us some
food on this trip?"

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear ?

A: Data transfer.

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde
crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother
had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down
a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to
the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was
crying this time.

''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''

What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer.

A hula hoop with a nail in it.

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police
station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show
them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a
description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered
it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.''

The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile
shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second
blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

''He only has one ear,'' was her answer.

''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are
seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third
blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think
before you give me a stupid answer.''

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's
wearing contact lenses.''

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture
and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into
the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot
was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and
asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else
here in this precinct saw that!''

''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye
and one ear, now, can he?''

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor
and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet
for three days

"Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your
diet. Then skip the third day."

So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for
the first two days, then she skipped the third day.

The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is
your diet?"

She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was
hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."

Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch?

Her blinker was on.

How can you tell if a blonde was trying to drive stick?

There's a condom on the gear shift.

Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police?

A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people.

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck.
The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in
the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the
truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk,
the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A
couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and
breathless.

''Where have you been?'' asked the man.

''I can't believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate
open!''

How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?

Envelopes in the disk drive.

A blonde was standing outside a fast food store, eating a burger,
with her panties around her ankles. A chap walks up and asks, ''Excuse
me, but can I ask why your panties are around your ankles?'' ''Oh
really,'' she says, ''Has he gone now?''

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad
in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and
applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job
because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would
do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long
consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the
factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The
manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he
arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of
every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two
testicles!''

How do you know if a blonde sent you a fax?

There's a stamp on it.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Because she threw out all the W's.

If a blonde could be any fish, what fish would she be?
A blowfish

How does a blonde kill a fish?

She tries to drown it!

What do blondes do for foreplay ?
Remove their underwear.

Q: How did a blonde get a job at a prestigious country club?

A: She told them she was good at handling members.

Q: What's the advantage of having a blonde as a girlfriend?

A: You get to park in handicapped zones.

She is so blonde that, when she went to the airport and saw a sign
that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went back home.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?

A brunette.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?

To catch everything that goes over their heads.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted

Q: What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?

A: A brunette with bad breath.

Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one
asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did
you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was
having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I
looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because
I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching
the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that
woman," replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, "If
only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been
alive!"

If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building with the same
velocity, each travelling at a parallel speed relative to one another,
who lands first?

The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

What did the blonde mother say to the blonde daughter?

"If you're not in bed by 12, you can come home!"

A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she
asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off
one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail
on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear.
This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the
neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure
enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks
the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails
off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a
bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one
of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear
ripped in a barbed wire fence.

She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to
measure them.

She comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the
black horse!"

Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?

So they don't crap on the street during parades!

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to
speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open.
After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She
then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now
dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle,
bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots.
Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the
manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.

How do you get a blonde on the roof?

....tell her drinks are on the house.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right
tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy
on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from
the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The
voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.
Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE
ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you,
Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

Why did the blonde get confused in the the bathroom?

She is not used to pulling her own pants down.

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the
baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out
for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by
weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing
the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the
aunt."

Q. How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer to
play video games?

A.The joystick is all wet.

What was the only invention a blonde came up with that did not pass
the patent board?

Ejection seats in helicopters.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A: Sometimes the legs on the ironing board are hard to open!

On an application form, what does a blonde put down for ''SEX?''

''Lots.''

Want to hear three blonde jokes?

Listen to Hanson!

Why are Blonde jokes one-liners?

So brunettes can understand them.

How many blonde jokes are there?

None, they're all true!

Q: How do you know that a blonde has been playing videogame?

A: The joystick is all wet.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,
''I've kidnapped you.''

She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A
Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was
sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found
the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow
blonde?''

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?

Tell her a joke on Monday!

How do you teach a blonde math?

Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and add one dick.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

A: She kept having affairs with men!

Why was the blonde mad when she got her drivers license back?

Because she got an ''F'' in Sex.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One hundred: one to hold the lightbulb, the other 99 to rotate the
house.

Q: Why do blondes smile when there's lightning?

A: Because they think they're getting their picture taken!

A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly
filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to
the column: SALARY EXPECTED.
''Yes.''

Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?

She threw away all the "W&W's"

What is the top prize in the Blonde Lottery?
20 dollars a year for a million years.

A Blonde was at a gumball machine. She put a quarter in and kept
getting a gumball out. The man behind her asked if he could get a
gumball. She said, "Shut up! Im WINNING!"

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?

She was trying to make up her mind!

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?

A: She realized she had given her last blowjob.

Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?

A: "I'm soooo drunk."

What did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios?

"Neato...Doughnut seeds!"

Four blondes are driving in a minivan when it goes over a cliff. The
tragedy is, the minivan could've held eight blondes.

How do you know when a blondes been having a bad day?

Shes got a tampon behind her ear, and she's lookin 4 her pencil.

Why does a blond prefer BMW over Chevrolet?

She can spell BMW!

What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?

Great work, team!

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board.
While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the
first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"

The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the
trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."

Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your
mission?"

The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the
trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth.
Land shuttle. Oink oink."

Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"

The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed
the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"

Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?

A: To draw blood.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

What do you call a buncha blondes standing ear to ear?

A wind tunnel!

A blonde was about to commit suicide by jumping off a 31 story
building. There were tons of fire trucks on the ground and policemen
on the ledge beside her. The policemen tried to coax her down for 3
hours. A few minutes later the blonde looked over the edge, then
looked over at the closest policemen and asked, ''How do you commit
suicide again?''

A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the
doctor."

The librarian replies, "This is a library."

So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers,
"I'm here to see the doctor."

A blonde decides to join the military thinking she can meet a few
guys.

What is wrong with this joke?
1. This isn't a joke
2. The blonde is thinking

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as
a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She
went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he
had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much
will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her
that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A
short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a
Ferrari."

Why do blondes wear woolen panties?

To keep their ankles warm.

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a
sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom I'm
sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45
minutes.
Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and
the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that
they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside
her and says, Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all
day.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up
by "the fuzz?"

A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."

What do blondes say after sex?

''Are you boys all in the same band?''

A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your
balls.

What does a blonde say when she finds out she's pregnant?

Are you sure it's mine?

Q: What does a blonde use for protection during sex?

A: A bus shelter.

Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: ''Fun fun fun worry
worry worry''

A: "Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!"

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

A blonde bought an a.m. radio and it took her a month to find out
she could listen to it at night.

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together over the
redhead's house while the redhead's father was out. The father had a
pet parrot, which he did not let anyone else touch. But, when he left,
the girls took him out. The girls were playing with it, when the
blonde grabbed the parrot and accidentally ripped out one of its
wings. "Now you've done it!" the red head yelled at the blonde. "Go
buy him another one just like that, here's some money." The redhead
went into her piggy bank and gave the blonde $50. "Okay," said the
blonde, "but it's going to hard to find a parrot with only one wing."

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, " do ya see any cops following
us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Damn!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup... nope... yup... nope...
yup...."

What do you call 10 blondes standing in a circle?

A dope ring!

Why did the blonde cross the road?

I don't know, and neither does she.

A blonde walked up to a man and said, "Give me your wallet." The man
said, "Okay, but give me the gun."The blonde gave him the gun and the
man gave his wallet. The man used the gun to steal his wallet back.The
blonde said, "You're an idiot -- there's no bullets in the gun." The
man replied, "You're the idiot -- there's no money in the wallet."

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She
called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles
she had on her car.

"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the
blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put
back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the
mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the
blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped
the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are
only 40,000 miles on it!"

A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on
either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the
middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.

She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's
blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!"

Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I
could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"

What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?

Locking the car door.

Q: A smart blond, Santa and a pregnant woman are on an elevator. A
twenty-dollar bill lies on the ground. Who picks it up?

A: The pregnant woman... the other two aren't real !'

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any
rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of
the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from
the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new
months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

Q: How does a blonde guy take a shower?

A: He pees against the wind.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?

A: She missed the Earth!

How did the blonde girl put out her cigarette?

She threw it in the water and stepped on it.

Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed
snowman?

A: A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head,

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.

She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"

Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?

A: So they know when to stop having sex!

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

A: Knock on the door.

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index
finger blown off. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was
trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "Trying to commit
suicide by shooting your finger?" "No silly! First I put the gun to my
chest and I thought, `I just paid $6,000 for these,' then I put it in
my mouth and I thought, `I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.' So
then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, `this is going to make a
loud noise,' so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the
trigger."

Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?

She thought it was Diet Coke!

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?

A: One.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?

A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the blonde sell her television?

A: To buy a VCR!

If a rooster's on top of a barn door and lays an egg, does the egg
fall on the north or the south side?

Roosters don't lay eggs, stupid!

Why'd the blonde go to the mall?

She had a makeup test!

What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?

Great work, team!

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Whats the difference between a blond and the Titanic?

A: They know how many men went down on the Titanic.

How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?

Blow in her ear.

A blonde is trapped on an island. She learns how to swim and decides
to go swim to shore. When she was only 1/4 away from shore, she swam
back, complaining that she was too tired.

Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?

A: Who cares?

One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office with a carrot in one
ear, a cucumber in the other ear and two peas up her nose. When the
doctor asked what was wrong, she complained she wasn't feeling well.
The doctor told her it was because she wasn't eating right.

Q: What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?

A: They're both screwed on their back.

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone
says, blondes really are smart.

While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint
the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves,
she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell
of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on
the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka
and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted
to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to
do it by painting the room.

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's
with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and
they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''

What do you call a blonde under a dead deer?
All you can eat for under a buck.

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can
count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think
it is because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''Of couse it is, dear.''

The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher then
anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!''

The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her
mother, ''I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you
think its because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen
years old."

Why don't blondes use vibrators?
They chip their teeth.

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I
would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the
salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big
baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before
she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this
TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

What do you give a blonde who has everything?

Penicillin.

A blonde went to the dentist and the dentist told her she needed
braces. The blonde said, ''Why? I can walk just fine.'' When the
dentist explained to her that braces are for her teeth, she said,
''But my teeth don't walk...''

Q: Why does a blonde always fail her road test?

A: Because every time the car stops, she jumps in the backseat!

What's blond, has six legs, and sings like Michael Jackson?

Hanson.

What does it mean when a blonde has a runny nose?

She's full.

What is a blonde's mating call?

''NEXT!''

What do a blonde and a barn have in common?

They always have a cock in them.

A blonde is in the middle of a cornfield sitting on top a sea-doo in
a bikini when another blonde drives up in a car. The second blonde in
the car yells to the blonde in the cornfield, "You moron!, you're the
reason for all the dumb blonde jokes! If I knew how to swim, I'd come
out there and kick your ass!"

A blonde and a both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one
will hit the bottom first?

The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.

Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calulator?

She couldn't find the 10 key.

Q: Why did the blonde throw her clock out the window?

A: So she could see time fly!

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the
hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The
redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.

What do blondes and doorknobs have in common?

Everyone gets a turn

What do you ask a blonde in a drive-thru?

Is that for here or to go?

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw a herd of elephants walking
across the plains with sunglasses on?

A: Nothing, she didn't recognize them.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many,
many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard
and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes
so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.

The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I
want to go home!''
"Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went.

Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives.
I want to go home, too!!''
And off she went.

The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back
here!''

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So
she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were
done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to
drink?''

What's the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?

They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort!

Q: What's worse than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a
house underwater?

A: A blonde trying to set fire to it.

A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldn't
afford them. So she changed her name to JKM345.

How many minutes does it take a blonde to screw in a lightbulb?

She doesn't know -- she's used to screwing other things.

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?

A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

She is so blonde that when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22
bus twice instead.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?

A: So she could use it as a mirror.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in
six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat
twelve pieces.''

What do blondes and shrimps have in common?

Their heads are full of shit, but the pink bits are nice.

What did the blonde say to the rock n' roller?

''How awesome is Britney Spears?!!!''

Q: What do a blonde and a taxi have in common?

A: Everyone's been in and out for $2.00.

What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?

They have both been laid all over America.

Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom
waitress' nametag?

A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?''

Q: A blonde and a brunette jumped off a cliff. Who hit bottom first?

A: The brunette -- the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She
passes a person who asks, ''Where did you get that?''

The pig says, ''I won her in a raffle!''

A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a
match for her sock. The blonde replied, ''What for? Are you going to
set it on fire!''

A blonde was walking down the street with shower caps on her
breasts.

A guy asked her, "Hey, what's with the shower caps?"

"Shower caps?" she responded, "These are booby condoms!"

Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle
cap back on?

A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''

A blonde is working at the local Starbucks. A lady walks in and
orders an Iced Cappuccino.

''Do you want it hot or cold?''

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I
would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the
salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new
outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again
approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young
blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.

When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."

"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"

Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel?

She was trying to blow her horn.

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going
around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in
the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the
road.

"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep
one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts
out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out
a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is,
can I have my dog back?"

Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

A: A Frosted Flake.

She was so blonde that she got locked in a grocery store and starved
to death.

What is blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette.

A blonde doing cartwheels.

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the
town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
''Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are very slowly.'' The blonde leaned over
and said ''Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg.''

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every
part of her body hurt.

The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve
just got a broken index finger."

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?

A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the
woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair.
The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the
end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the
blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.

She hears: "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I
locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can
stick through the window to unlock the door?''

''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works
especially well for that.''

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the
blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the
left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?

A rebel without a clue.

A blonde walks into the library and says to the librarian, ''Can I
have a burger and fries?''

''Sorry, this is a library.''

So the blonde whispers, ''Oh, may I have a burger and fries?''

How do you keep a blonde busy?

Put her in a round room and tell her there is a vibrator in the
corner!

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her
dad had once told her. ''If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait
for a snow plow and follow it.'' Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and
she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was
doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck
in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ''Well, I'm
done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over
to K-Mart.''

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race
across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead
came in second and the blonde never finished.

When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ''I don't want to be a
tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms.''

Q: How do you get a blonde out of a tree?

A: You wave at her

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her
right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in
a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her
car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're
doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I
could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

A tall blonde and a tall brunette are stading in an elevator. A
short bald man with lots of dandruff walks in, then gets off at the
next floor. The brunette says, Boy he could use some head and
shoulders.

The blonde says, Hm. How do you give shoulders?

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down
and finds a mirror.

She picks it up, looks into it, and says, "WOW! I know this person.
I've seen this person somewhere before..."

The other blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh, of
course you have. That's me!"

Q: What does a blonde do when she wakes up?

A: Go home!

Three third graders were walking down the street: a redhead,
brunnette, and a blonde.

Which one had the best figure?

The blonde - she was 18.

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a
lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to
give her a job.

"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a
day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a
problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.

She came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you
cut down?'' asked the foreman.

''6'' she replied.

''What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.''
The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came
back that night exhausted.

'How many this time?'' asked the foreman.

''12'' she said.

The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you
tommorow morning.''
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This
is how to cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the
chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is
looking at him frantically. So he asks her what's wrong. She replies,
''What the hell is that?'''

A man asked a blonde what she thought about blonde jokes.

She replied, ''I think they are good but they might be offensive to
some mexicans."

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming,
"Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!"

The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we
get to your house?"

The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"

Blonde definition of socialism?

Partying!

Q: How do you get a blonde lesbian to climb the wall?
A: Show her the crack in the ceiling.

Q: How can you tell a blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's white-out all over the screen.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when
they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their
tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into
them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees
the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.

"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

"Potatoes," says the blonde.

What does a blonde and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?

Both have sucked up a lot of seamen.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

A: You can fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of all crimes
occur around the home?

A: She moved.

What do a blonde and a hockey player have in common?

They both say 'uh' when asked a question or get banged on the side
boards.

What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board.?

It's easy to spread the legs of blonde.

Q: What happened when the blonde went to the movie theater?

A: She saw the "NC-17: Under 17 not admitted" sign, so she went home
and got 16 friends.

What's the difference between a blonde and a Ritz cracker?

One is a snack cracker the other is a crack snacker.

A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her.

The man in the car says to her, ''What do you have in the bag?''

The blonde replies: ''I have chickens!''

The man thinks for a moment and says, ''If I can guess how many
chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?''

The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, ''Okay, but I'll
make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in
the bag I will give you BOTH of them!"

What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?

A know-it-all bitch.

What do you call a blonde with a half a brain?

Gifted!

A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blonde
asked the brunette what she was going to buy.

The brunette replied, "I think I'll buy a new set of plates because
mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?"

The blonde said, "I think I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one
has an enormous crack in it."

What do you call a blonde with pig tails?

A blow job with handle bars.

What is the difference between a blonde and a pothole?

You swerve to miss a pothole!

Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?

She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So the guys telling 'em can understand 'em!

Q: How does a blonde turn on the air conditioner after sex?

A: She turns the ignition key.

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her
and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''

The blond yelled at the doctor, ''I came here to get medical help, not
get a stupid compliment!!''

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?

All you can eat for under a buck.

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers'
Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were
going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought
that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot
and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy
even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked,
''Well, why the hell not?''

The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with
you.''

Q: How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?

A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her cigarette.

Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river?

So she could have shade when she swam across!

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?

A: Fourth grade.

I'm a blonde! I'm a blonde, yay!!! B-L-O...? I'm a blonde, yay!

Why does a blonde keep a wire coat hanger in the back seat of her
car?

In case she locks her keys inside.

Why's the blonde's coffin shaped like a Y?

Cuz every time she hits her back, her legs spread!

What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

She sticks it in the microwave.

Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdome?

While the crowd was doing the wave, two blondes drowned.

Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging a few beers when
they see a road block ahead with police checking for drunk drivers.
The blonde in the passenger seat starts to panic and the driver tells
her to calm down and do what she does. She then proceeds to quickly
chug the last of the beer in her hand, peel the label off, stick the
bottle under the seat and stick the label to her forehead. The second
blonde follows along. When they arrive at the road block, the officer
looks in and is quite surprised by this spectacle and says, '' Hello
ladies. By any chance have you two been drinking tonight?'' ''Why no
officer, you see, we are on the patch!'''

Q.Why do blonde women wear hoop earings?

A. Ankle holsters.

What's brown and black and blue all over?

A brunette telling too many blonde jokes!

Q: What's a blonde's favorite rock group?

A: Air Supply.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

Humpme Dumpme

What are the best 10 years of a blonde's life?

Third grade.

A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous. But when she
received the test, she was relieved to find out that it was a True or
False exam. Immediately, she reached into her purse and pulled out a
coin. Each time she flipped the coin she would write down an answer.
"What are you doing?" the professor asked her. "I'm figuring out the
answers," the blonde replied.

To this, the professor just rolled his eyes and looked away. When she
was done, the professor announced that there were five minutes left to
go. "Oh my god!" she said in an excited voice, and started to flip the
coin as fast as possible.

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how to fly a plane. The
guy at the airport said there were no more plane flying lessons this
year but she could take helicopter lessons. The blonde agreed and the
man taught her and said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet you go in the
air." The blonde agreed.

He jumped in and took off. At 1000 feet, she radioed him and asked how
she was doing. He said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, she radioed
him and asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. But
right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped and she
started twirling to the ground. When she landed, he went over to pull
her out of the helicopter. He asked her what went wrong because she
was doing perfect before. The blonde said, ''At 2500 feet, I started
to get cold so I turned the big fan off.''

What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one?

Between you and me we could make a lot of money!

There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night. In
walked a group of blondes & they were chanting ''44 days! 44 days!''
One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in
a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle
and asked, ''Why are you chanting 44 days?'' She set down the puzzle
on the counter and said, ''A lot of people think us blondes are dumb,
so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said
1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!'''

Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?

Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet.

Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?

A: "I'm drunk!"

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time
found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing
nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she
draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap
sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and
down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that
until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

Why do blondes like blonde jokes?

It makes them feel popular.

Q: Where do blondes go to visit their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

A blonde opened a hair salon next to a graveyard and named it ''Curl
Up and Dye.''

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They only screw in cars.

Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?

A: "Toes go in first."

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So that brunettes can remember them.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign for the YMCA?

"Look, they spelled Macy's wrong!"

Q: What kind of tricycle does a blonde have?

A: The one with the kick stand.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

What's the one word a blonde absolutely, positively cannot say?

No.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine ?

A: ''Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami !''

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights
from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

At the basketball game why did the blonde say, ''I stopped aging!''

Because the clock stopped.

What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall?

A brick wall's only been laid once!

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: What happened when a blonde missed the Q44 bus?

A: She took the Q22 twice.

Q: What do blondes have in common with butter?

A: They both spread for bread.

Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold?
A: Sits around a candle

Q: What does she do when it gets really cold?
A: Lights it

What's the difference between a blonde's vagina and a cave?

A couple of inches.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?

A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

How are blondes and computers similar?

You never appreciate them until they go down on you!

One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out
of his car and asks the blonde for her license.

''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license
and the next day you ask me to show it.''

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?

A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: What do a blonde and floor tiles have in common?

A: Once you lay them you can walk all over them.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun ?

A: They're easier to keep amused.

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?

A: The Air Pump!

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

A: Because they always forget the recipe.

Two blondes were stranded on an iceberg with only a telescope. One
of the blondes was looking through the telescope and said, ''We're
saved! Look, it's the Titanic!''

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes ?

A: They're doing research on black holes.

Why are Blondes like pianos?

Because when they're not upright they are grand!

Why don't blondes eat pickles?

Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears ?

A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

What do blondes and screen doors have in common?

The more you slam them the looser they get.

What do turtles and blondes have in common?

If they're on their back, they're screwed!

Q: What do virgins and blondes have in common?
A: Nothing!

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?

A: They both drip when they're fucked.

Why can you not teach blondes to waterski?

When they get wet, they roll over on their backs!

What do a blonde and a 747 have in common?

They both have big cockpits!

What do blondes and cow patties have in common?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

What do you call nine blondes in the ocean?

An air pocket.

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see ''Closed for the Winter''.

Why do blondes go to Sears?

Because the boys pants were half off!

What do you call 24 blondes in a box?

A case of empties!

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they
went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome
leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the
keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a
while.

Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with
a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde
looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,

"HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"

Q.What do you call 3 blondes in a frying pan?

A. Over easy.

Q: What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?

A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: Why don't they let blondes swim in the ocean?

A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Why don't blondes take birth control pills?

Because they keep falling out.

How do you know when a blonde has lost her virginity?

Her crayons are wet.

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?

A mobile sperm bank!

There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope climbing up a
mountain. They had nothing to hold them to the rope. The rope began
slipping and breaking.The brunette said, ''Girls, I'm going to let go
of the rope, since it can't hold all of us. Your lives are more
important to me. There are also many more of you..." and she made a
big speech about how special they were. At the end, all of the blondes
started clapping.

What's the difference between a blonde and a corvette?

You don't lend the corvette out to your friends.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?

From chasing parked cars!

What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear?

Thanks for the refill.

What do you call a blond with two brain cells? ''PREGNANT''

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block.

A brunette was jumping along railroad tracks, saying, "21, 21, 21."
A blonde comes along and starts doing the same thing. They hear a
train and the brunette jumps off, but the blonde keeps jumping. The
blonde gets hit and dies. After the train leaves, the brunette jumps
back on saying this time, "22, 22, 22...."

A blonde goes to a doctor because both of her ears are burnt. "'Sit
down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.
"Well,I was ironing my clothes when I received a call and instead of
picking the phone I picked up the iron and burnt my ear."
"'But that's one ear - what about the other?"
"The guy called again!"

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans
inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th
Avenue?''

The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''

At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it
take ME?''

A blonde woman and a red-headed woman are taken hostage by
terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a
firing squad. But first, the terrorists ask the red-headed woman if
she has any last words.

The red-head points and says, "Twister!" The terrorists ran in all
different directions and the red-headed woman gets away.

When they realize what has happened, the come back and to where the
blonde woman is still standing, and they ask her if she has any last
words. She points and says, "Fire!"

Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?

A: A blonde electrician.

What do you call a blond with two brain cells?

Pregnant!

What do you call three blondes at Christmas?

Ho, ho, ho!

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner.
Q: How does a blonde confuse you?
A: She comes out and says she did.

One day a blonde and her friend and their parents were talking about
the birth of the blonde and her friend. The friend's father said that
Jane was a C-section baby. And the blonde said, ''I don't know what
section I'm from!''

What do blondes and computers have in common?

They both go down!

Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?

A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?

A: So she could lip read.

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next
to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies,
''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My
friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And
my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is
also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde
joke?''

The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it
three times.''

What's it called when a blonde dyes her hair?

Artificial intelligence!

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.
He told them before they could enter Heaven, they had to tell him what
Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big
feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter
said,"So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His
disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they
buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder....

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

"Then," the blonde continued, "now every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted...

The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two
blondes:

"Parking for drive-through customers only!"

What did the father say to his blonde daughter?

''If you're not in bed by 11, come home.''

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket
for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks
ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats
appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to
the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells
the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to
sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the
captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the
woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm
going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the
cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says
that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the
problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the
blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot,
and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight
attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the
co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going
to LA."

Why are so many blondes rushing out to get breast implants?

So they don't have to pay the flat tax.

What did the blonde say when the airplane began to shake?

Must be an earthquake!

Why did the blonde think it was Sunday?

Because the sun was out!

A man entered the bus, with his pockets full of golf balls and sat down next
to a blond. The blond kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging
pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."

The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it
hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

What do you call a blonde at a golf course?

The 19th hole.

A blonde women is sitting in her garage, alone, with a gun to her
head. She is depressed and finally decides that she just can't live
anymore. then, her husband comes home, finds her with the gun and begs
her not to do it. "Please, honey, don't do it, i'll do anything you
want, but please, don't kill yourself!" he pleads. "Shut up! your
next!" the blonde says.

Two blondes are nailing in roof tiles. One of them is pulling nails
from his jar and if they face him, he throws them away. The other
blonde asks what he's doing.

"Duh. I'm throwing away the defective ones."

"No, stupid! Those are for the other side of the roof."

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories
high. They had decided that one of them had to get off.

They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.''

The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.

She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser.

So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!" The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have a seat." So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head.

Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones and hears...

"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday?

Tell her a joke on Thursday!

How do you keep a blonde at home?

Build a circular driveway.

Q: What do you call the blonde in a horror movie?

A: Dead meat.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Give her an M&M bag, and tell her to alphabetize it.

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One. The rest are all true stories.

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Put her in a circular room and tell her to pee in the corner.

How does a blonde try to kill a fish?

She drowns it!!

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

100. 99 to peel the M&M's and one to mix the batter!

Q: What do you call a blonde who eats too much?

A: Fat.

Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes in a freezer?

A: Frosted Flakes.

What does a blonde say when she's asked if she's sexually active?

"No, I just lie there."

What's the difference between a blonde and the internet?

Not everyone's been on the internet!

Question: What is the irritating part about a blonde's vagina?

Answer One: The Blonde!

Answer Two: The other guys waiting their turn.

What did Santa say to the three blondes on the corner?

"Ho. Ho. Ho."

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?

Because red means stop!

Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?

Because they leave to answer the door.

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer
asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't
know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every
time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the
answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer
asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the
Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer
five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four
legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but
finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked
her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer
five dollars.

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks
up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."

The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it
means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell
like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?

Nothing. They've never met.

Why does a blonde smile at lightning?

She thinks she's getting her picture taken.

What do you call a line of blondes?

Easy Street

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can
never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best
thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code
keeps changing."

Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk?

The cow fell on her.

How do you press the mute button on a blonde?

Put your dick in her mouth!

How do you break a blonde's nose?

Place a dildo under a glass table!

What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair?

Artifical intelligence.

What's the difference between nerdy and blonde co-eds?

Nerdy co-eds blow the curve. Blondes blow the professor.

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those
annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a
game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her
anyway.

He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get
it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."

She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.

The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each
question. Or how about $500?"

At that number, the blonde agrees.

The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give
me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay
you $500.

"Got it," she replies.

He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know
and gives him $5.

Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and
only two yellow teeth?"

The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the
Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives
her $500.00.

Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"

She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

Why was the blonde afraid to have phone sex?

Because she didn't know how to put a condom on the phone.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for
players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded
if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She
said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and
then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new
clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino
dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With
that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one
finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The
second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''

There was this nouveau riche blond girl, who went to the nearest
Mercedes showroom with a pocketful of dollars, and came out with the
latest model.

Half an hour later she was back at the showroom, claiming a that the
car they sold her was terrible, that she was disappointed a brand-new
Mercedes would get a fault in the gearbox after 15 minutes. The
management apologized and gave her a new car.

Again, after half an hour she came back. The management offered her a
new car, but sent along one of their engineers to see if they could
figure out what the problem was. She put in the first gear... sped
up... put in second... third... fourth... fifth.... "And now," she
said, "for the rocket," and threw it in reverse.

What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf ball through a garden
hose?

"Darling."

Once there was a blonde who wanted to prove to people that she
wasn't just a dumb blonde. So she asked her friend "how could I show
people I'm not just a dumb blonde?"

Her friend says, "First learn all the provinces and their capitals."

So that week the blonde learned them. The next week she was at a party
and a man asked a question. The blonde says, "I know the anwser!"

Then the man said " What would you know? You're just a dumb blonde?"

Then the blonde says, "I'll have you know I'm not just a dumb blonde,
I know all the provinces and their capitals."

Then the man said, " Okay, Saskatchewan."

The blonde started to grin.

"What are you grinning about?" said the man.

The blonde said, "Easy. S."

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

Wave!

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that
dog with one eye!''

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''

One day, a blonde left work early to go home and suprise her husband
with a big dinner. When she got home she saw her husband's car in the
drive way and thought "Aw, shoot there goes my suprise."

When she got inside, she heard something coming from her bedroom. She
looked in and saw her husband humping her sister.

She ran out of her house and went to a sporting goods store. After
buying a gun she went home and ran into her backyard. She pulled out
her gun put it to her head and let out a shrill scream.

Her husband ran outside and saw his wife with the gun and said,
"Honey, please don't do it!"

The blonde screamed, "Shut up asshole, you're next!"

One day a blonde went into a department store.

She said to the owner, "Can I buy that T.V.?"

The owner replies, "No, you're a blonde".

Next day the blonde comes into the same shop with black hair and says,
"Can I buy that T.V.?"

The shop keeper says "No, you're a blonde."

Next day the blonde comes in with pink hair and says, "Can I buy that
T.V.?"

The owner says, "No, you're a blonde."

Then the blonde goes, "How do you know I'm blonde?"

He replies, "Because it's a microwave."

Q: Why can't blondes parallel park?

A: Because guys keep telling them that 1 inch is really 6 inches.

What's the difference between a blonde and a payphone?

It costs twenty-five cents to use a payphone!

Why does a blonde put perfume on her ankles?

Because it ends up behind her ears anyway!

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

They're both empty from the neck up!

Four blondes went to the bar in their pick-up. Three sat up in the
cab and one sat in the bed of the truck. The three blondes were in the
bar for about an hour before the fourth finally came in, looking
frustrated. They asked, 'What took you so long?' She responded, 'Well,
I had trouble getting the tail gate open!'

A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she
went to the church and prayed: God, if I don't win the lotto, I will
lose my business.

She didn't win.

So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She
went to the church to pray: God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose
my business and my car.

Still, she didn't win.

So the next day she was about to lose her buisness, her car and her
house. She went to the church to pray: God, if I don't win the lotto,
I will loose my business, my car and my house.

Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and
she heard the booming voice of God declare, Buy a ticket.

A man notices a blonde sucking on the bottom of a Coke can. Curious,
he asks her what she's doing.

"Duh! It says for best taste drink by date on the bottom."

How is a blonde like a postage stamp?

You lick'em, stick'em and send 'em on their way!

Q: Two blondes are standing on top of the Empire State Building. How
can you tell which one is the true blonde and which one is the
bleached blonde?

A: The bleached blonde isn't throwing bread crumbs at the helicopters!

Q: Why are there so many blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: the invitation.

Q: What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage.

Q: What is black and blue and brown, and lying in a ditch?
A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.

What do rocks and dumb blondes have in common?

You skip 'em when they're flat.

Why don't blondes wear miniskirts in San Francisco?

Because their balls hang out!

A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family.
She was five hours late and her family was getting worried. When she
finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD..."

Why do some blondes only think about sex?

Because they're dirty blondes.

She is so blonde that she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul
Train."

She is so blonde, she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

She's so blonde she spent an hour looking at a can of orange juice
because it said "concentrate".

She is so blonde that it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes."

She is so blonde that she studied for a blood test -- and failed.

Why was the blonde having trouble sleeping?

She forgot to close her eyes.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

Why do blondes smile when lightening flashes?

Because they think their pictures are being taken.

Why does it take longer to make a blonde snowman?

Because you have to hollow out the head first.

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was
eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by
herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids
enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same
spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you
like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman
suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you
standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the
goalie!"

Three blondes died and are up talking to St. Peter. He says, "I have
one question and if you get it I will let you into heaven."

He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

She answers, "Oh, that's that one time of the year when our whole
family gets together and we eat turkey."

St. Peter just shakes his head and says to the next blonde, "What is
Easter?"

She answers, "Oh, that is the time of year when our family gets
together and we all open presents and the fat jolly guy comes down the
chimney."

Again St. Peter just shakes his head. He asks the third blonde, "What
is Easter?"

She says, "Oh that's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb and
rolled a rock in front of it."

St. Peter smiles and urges, "Yes... go on..."

The blonde continues, "Then once a year we roll the stone away and he
comes out and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."

Q: How do you know when a blonde is going to say something stupid?

A: She opens her mouth!

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is
cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun.
After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door
and points the gun at her head.

"What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend.

"Shut up! You're next!"

Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?

Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.

Q: Why was the blonde late for work?

A: She was stranded on the broken escalator.

A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
''That will be $1.08, please'' says the clerk.

''What's the eight cents for?'' asks the blonde. ''It says one dollar
right here on the packaging.''

''Tax,'' replies the clerk.

''Gee,'' says the blonde, ''I thought you just rolled them on and they
stayed put!''

A blonde walks into an appliance store, and asks to buy a television
set.

"Sorry," says the owner. "We don't allow blondes in here." The blonde
leaves and dyes her hair brown. The next day, she returns and asks to
buy the television.

"Sorry," says the owner. "We don't allow blondes in here."

"Hey," says the blonde, shocked, "how'd you know it was me?"

"You've been trying to buy a microwave."

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

Sit a kitty beside her.

A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner and a movie, they
head on up to Makeout Mountain, where things get a little hot 'n'
heavy. Then the guy leans over.

"Do you want to go in the backseat?"

"No." Unfazed, they continue making out. The guy trys again.

"Do you want to go in the backseat?"

"No." A little frustrated, the man decides to ignore it. They continue
to get pretty into it. Soon, the man figures he can ask agin.

"Do you want to go in the backseat?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I want to stay up here with you."

Q: Why does the blonde have the biggest tits in the third grade?

A: Because she's 21

A blonde was telling a brunette that her computer broke. So the
brunette said she would check the blonde's e-mail for her. The blonde
said, ''Cool! E-mail me and tell me what I got.''

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare
for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed
the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat,
shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing
the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was
missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up
to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said,
"I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the
captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in
here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one
has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?

She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge?

For people who don't drink.

It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a
coke. She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a
coke came out - so she kept putting money in.

And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her.
Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and
thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

Did you hear about the blonde who was so stupid she thought Boyz II
Men was a daycare center?

This blonde was walking down a road, when this guy came along. The
blond was carrying a bag. The guy goes, ''What are you carrying?'' She
goes, ''Melons.'' The guy goes, ''Cool. if I can guess how many there
are, can I have one of them?'' The blonde giggles and goes, ''If you
can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''

A young blonde stock broker was bored with her BMW. It lacked
individuality, and besides that, every bitch in the office had one.
She fancied something a bit more individual, "Perhaps an MG
convertible," she mused to herself.

That week, she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful
Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in
love with its gorgeous red paintwork. An empty check stub later and
off she was driving down the leafy country lanes enjoying her
beautiful new car.

Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the
radio, what could go wrong?

With that, there was a jerking from the engine and the car slowly
coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded,
after a few minutes realized that she didn't have a clue.

Luckily, she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to
Triple A and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind
her.

"That's a lovely car" says the AAA man "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have a look," he said.

He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat
again.

quot;Oh goody!" she said, "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just shit in the carburetor" he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to
do that?

Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks
her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the
window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some
bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never
have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
''I'm sorry,'' says the pharmacist, ''we don't have any.''

''But I always get it here,'' says the blonde.

''Do you have the container it comes in?''

''Yes!'' says the blonde, ''I will go and get it.''

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who
looks at it and says to her, ''This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant.''

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container: ''To apply, push up bottom.''

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?

A: About two cans of hair spray.

There is this dumb blonde who likes animals, but is kind of afraid
of horses. She still likes horses, so she decides to overcome her
fear. So one day she hops on a horse, and the horse starts galloping
and won't stop. She starts to get a little afraid but the horse won't
stop.

Everybody is watching and she doesn't know what to do. So she grabs
its leg and the horse still won't stop. Then she decides to jump but
her foot gets stuck in the stirrup. So she is bouncing on the ground
and doesn't know what to do. Then the Wal-Mart manager comes running
out and pulls the plug out of the socket and saves her.

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were
watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from
the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead
replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50
she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend. I
have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your
money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump
again!"

A blonde walks into a library and shouts "I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER A
COKE AND SOME FRIES."

The librarian says, "This is a library."

The blonde says, "Yes I know. I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER A COKE AND
FRIES.''

And the librarian says, one more time, ''But this is a library, miss!"

The blonde goes "Oh," and whispers, "I'll have a hamburger a coke and
fries!"

Q: How does a blonde try to kill a worm?

A: Bury it alive!

A young man is at a bus stop in New York. He sees an extremely
beautiful blonde in a tight mini-skirt, and decides to get on the bus
directly behind her. As the bus pulls up, she begins to board the bus,
but cannot make the first step with her mini zipped. She reaches
behind her and undoes the zipper. Then she attempts to board the bus,
and once again she fails in her attempt. She reaches behind her once
more and undoes the same zipper. She tries again to board the bus, and
again she fails in her attempts. The young man finally decides just to
lift her into the bus.

When he lifts her she yells, "Don't get fresh with me!"
The young man just looks at her and says, "Lady you've just undone my
zipper twice, and now you say that I'm getting fresh with you!"

One day a blonde was outside of her apartment on the 12th floor
shaking her sheets out when a gust of wind came up and blew her off of
the building. All of a sudden two hands reached out from the 10th
floor and caught her. She said, ''Oh, thank you so much!'' The guy
that caught her said, ''Do you suck?'' Stunned by the question she
said ''No!'' and he dropped her. Then two hands came out of the 9th
floor window and she said "Thank you!" and all the guy said was, ''Do
you fuck?'' Stunned by the question, she said "No!" Then two more arms
came out from the 7th floor, and right when she saw the guy she said,
''Yes, I SUCK AND FUCK!'' and the guy said, ''Slut'' and dropped her
to her death!