Related:

• Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached.
  .. (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can....
• You know what I hate about answering machine messages?
  They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message....
• Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked.
  So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag....
• Thank you for calling, no doubt, As you can guess, we're out.
  When we get home, We'll call on the phone. Until then, just hang about....
• Ahhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhh... (Heavy breathing sounds, like an obscene phone call.
  ) Oh, nuts, YOU called ME! Sorry. Never mind. Leave your name and number at the beep....
• Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back....
• Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.
  Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO....
• Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner.
  Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD!...
• Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey.
  I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411....